Self-Restraint

A quarrelsome wife is like the dripping of a leaky roof in a rainstorm; restraining her is like restraining the wind or grasping oil with the hand. Proverbs 27:15-16

The woman in today’s verse couldn’t let go of whatever issue was on her mind. She expressed herself, and her husband seems to have had some hesitancy about her complaints. Instead of listening to him, she quarreled, and as a leaky roof would do, she kept on and on and on. Her nagging caused her husband to want to run away and hide. It caused him grief.

Leaks are one of my worst hated trials. I cannot stand it if my house is leaking. We’ve been dealing with two leaks for four months now. We even put buckets up in the attic while waiting on roofers to have time for us. How annoying it’s been to know that the leaks could cause even more damage to the inside of our sweet home. Every time it rained hard, I wondered about it and cringed.

This is how difficult it is on a husband when his wife continually harps on an issue. He can’t even get away because she is like a leaky storm. He is forced to stay in the shelter of his home and endure.

Anyone who observes the couple would feel uncomfortable and exhausted. The wife affects the mood of her husband, kids and the poor onlookers.

In contrast, how would the woman behave if she were to make better choices? She would choose self-restraint and not be so easily offended. She would be flexible and willing to try her husband’s ideas instead of always thinking hers are the best. She would not be a proud person, but humble enough to bend with the wind. She might vocally disagree with her husband and express herself (once is enough), but self-discipline and trust would help her to truly give the situation to God. At this point, she would be well-thought-of by him, and over the years he would eventually come to her seeking for wisdom.

Remember Eve? She was the first wife after God created the whole world. Eve was swayed by the serpent and then badgered her husband into following her into the most regrettable decision of all time (Later, when God approached him, Adam blamed Eve for this terrible sin).

Eve’s mistake keeps me on my toes. Just because I think an idea is a good one or even the best choice, that doesn’t make it right. In fact, I must be very careful when I attempt to talk my husband into anything. I must pray about it and listen to his cautions when he warns me about the flaws of my argument instead of speaking constant disapproval of him and his opinions.

There are more ways than just words that can make a husband feel like his wife is incessantly quarreling: her body language, sighs, sadness, depression from unanswered prayers, spurts of over-irritation or anger. The fight in her still comes out even when she isn’t vocalizing it.

Restraining her is like restraining the wind.

One of the last visits I had at my mother’s home was when we headed to the beach on a cold February’s day. I love the ocean and wanted to soak in every moment I could of white sea gulls, salty air and sand between my toes. But, no matter which way we turned our faces were slapped by the harsh wind. We were miserable even in our feeble attempts to ward off the wind with warm coats and heavy scarves.

That cold wind can be likened to be the person who just keeps on coming back with arguments and scolding. Try to grasp something by hand that has oil on it; that is what it is like to try to restrain this woman. The endeavor is utterly hopeless.

Within a few years after I got married, my husband and I were living in a little, old home, and I had such grand ideas for the kitchen. I approached my husband who was weary from his hard working job and honestly didn’t want to have these conversations. But I kept at him. Within a few weeks something eerie began to happen. My phone (we had a landline with no caller ID at the time) would ring almost daily, and the voice on the other end was a disturbed strange man who spoke in a way that terrified me. I finally learned to take the phone off the hook for hours. For a few weeks, my husband was working extra jobs at night, and I was very alone and vulnerable (with two small children) during this time, and trembling with fear.

One of those nights, it dawned on me to pray to God about these disturbing calls. I prayed for safety and wisdom to know what to do. During those tearful moments my heart grew soft, and I began to have room in my head to think about the way I was treating my husband about my silly kitchen plans. A new thought came to me. Let the old plans go and work on sprucing up my kitchen on my own without bothering my sweet man.

Then another eerie thing happened; the phone calls stopped. That horrible man never called back again. And I went about my life more happy than before. I can’t explain what happened and why. All I know is that, today, after 41 years of marriage, I have never forgotten that lesson.

Father, help me to be a kindhearted, loving wife. Give me a sense of proper timing to bring up sensitive topics, and then give me sense to leave the conversation if it becomes dishonorable and disruptive in any way. Teach me what is most important in my marriage. Help me never to be known as a quarrelsome wife who drips like a leaky roof, but to show genuine self-restraint. Show me how to run to you in prayer when things are difficult, to allow my heart to be softened and to lean on you for my every need. In Jesus name, Amen.

Thriving in Contentment

Anger is cruel and fury overwhelming, but who can stand before jealousy? Prov. 27:4

Today, we add to our knowledge of thriving by learning to abstain from enslavement to one of the worst of our out-of-control emotions. Today we study jealousy.

Anger (covered in last week’s blog) is one of the emotions that generally parades around for all to see. Yet, jealousy is a quiet, stubborn parasite that exploits its host, benefiting itself (or the devil) in the process. It stirs up and spreads hidden toxic damage and is very hard to uproot. When these toxins finally present themselves, others find it difficult to stand before such powerful feelings. Jealousy never gives anything in return.

Jealousy isn’t generated by something from without but from within. It is a dreaded green-eyed creature that entirely takes over when a person entertains even a single grievance. Sad frustrations feed the monster as it grows considerably by the moment.

Perhaps such envy doesn’t become outwardly violent, but it can turn to passive-aggressive irritations and unkindness’s toward those begrudged.

We want something because someone else has it, therefore we nag or complain until we get our wishes. We put aside the purchases we need and use our resources to impulsively buy what we want. We throw away our own God-given talents in pursuit of qualities we see others possess.

What is it that we envy? We envy a person’s house, life, career, spouse, talents, popularity, gentleness, calmness or organization. However, if we were to list our topics of jealousy and then make a list of the qualities or possessions we already have, the list would reveal how well off we really are. Maybe it would open our eyes!

Envy is defined as a discontented or resentful longings, desires or grudges for someone else’s stuff, character, or luck and a deafness to our own current blessings and gifts.

The opposite of jealousy is contentment, generosity or a genuine happiness for other people’s achievements. We have a quiet peace that invades our souls instead of always grabbing for more.

Jealousy happens when a person improperly puts his attention (wants, desires, lust) more on an earthly thing than it should be. It is selfishly motivated, not others-centered. Jealousy takes up the entire mind in obsessive reverence for something that is not God. Instead of worship and praise, the person is worshiping himself or the things he is jealous for.

When I am feeding my jealousy, I cannot be in a state of worship to God. Likewise, when I am feeding my desire to worship, I cannot be in a state of jealousy.

In a state of reverential worship, my mind is submitted to what God wants me to do with what I have. There is no sense of lack. “The Lord is my Shepherd; I shall not want.” Psalm 23.

I asked my husband how he would define jealousy or envy. He felt that it was something born from insecurity. “I’m not good enough. I have to prove myself. The more I achieve or earn, the higher my value. Therefore, I exhaust myself, yearning for what others have or for what I perceive they have. I seek approval and end up giving up my power to others.“

My husband remarked how this dilemma is quite unsatisfying. Even if a person gets what he wants, the attainment is never enough.

The never enough dynamic is so true. A child fights for the toy the other child has, but when he finally gets a turn to play with the toy, he loses interest. It’s not the toy he wanted in the first place!

Envy happens when we want something so badly, we become blinded to how we treat people who get in our way. Sometimes, envy is easy to spot in ourselves. Just follow our irritations and they typically lead us to our jealousies.

Certainly, we may feel justified because of our circumstances. In the Bible, even God was righteously jealous for His people. Anger may be ‘righteous’ at times. However, jealousy must be released eventually, or it will ruin and destroy.

I have discovered a good test to see if what I’m feeling is acceptable or not. I ask myself, “Is this emotion taking me away or moving me closer to God?” Some emotions are led by God and are paving the way for His will. Other times, I must walk away from destructive emotions, such as jealousy.

Lord, rid me of envy. Renew my mind and help me to follow the qualities obtained in the fruit of your Holy Spirit (Gal. 5:22-23). Help me to adopt a right perspective of the things of this world. May I submit to your will and put on true humility and love. Instead of jealousy, teach me to wait on YOU. You provide for me and are all I need. When I receive a desired or hopeful gift, help me not to look at it as something I cling to in order to be happy. May I see it as something granted from your hand, your provision at just the right time. Give me contentment and a waiting, trustful hope, not a demanding spirit, but a letting go. When your gifts are given, may I learn how to soak them in without guilt at the pleasures you give and without discontent in future expectations. Help me to be in-the-moment inside my grateful praise to the Father, the Giver of all good things. Whether I feel needful or not, I am always filled with you. In Jesus name, Amen.

Uplifting, Gentle Responses

A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. Proverbs 15:1

I love the word gentle.
It’s such a peaceful word. Whereas ‘harsh’ is simply, well…harsh!

Harsh typically comes out of my mouth before I have a chance to think. It’s a spur of the moment action that gives into anger.

Then, there are gentle answers which take extra self-discipline. I don’t always want to spend that much energy. I want the easy road to simply give into my feelings and the perceived injustice of the moment.

Last week, I gave a kindness to a person, and she said, “I know you don’t just do this because we’re family, you do this because you love me.” She was right.

However, it’s also true that I don’t heed scripture just because it’s in the Bible. I follow these because I love my Father, and I trust Him. I trust that giving a gentle answer is better than a harsh one, but I’ve also experienced it!

Gentleness is a way to preserve my joy. It is my job to refuse to let joy be robbed from me, even in angry situations.

Sometimes, I’m not honest with myself about my anger. I’m like, “I’m not angry, I’m just irritated or frustrated.” Yet, my reaction is defensive instead of truly including and listening to the other person. My reply gives away what is in my heart.

In fact, my reply generally has NOTHING to do with the topic of conversation that bothered me in the first place and EVERYTHING to do with my heart.

When receiving instruction or advice (unasked for) should I not respond with gentleness? Could our different views be respected instead of smashed by my ugliness? Might the ill-timed comment be covered with love instead of defensiveness?

Sometimes anger isn’t because someone did or said something, it’s because I am having a bad day.

Gentleness versus unkindness helps to stop my annoyance.

There is something humble about speaking gently. There is even a hint that gentleness originates in my mind. If I am gentle to the other person in my head, than I can speak gently to that person when things aren’t pleasant between us. If I allow unkindness to run rampant, most likely, at the first sign of conflict, my words will not be gentle.

It all starts with my mind.

Sometimes, I need to learn to speak gently to myself. I make mistakes, too. God’s grace is so broad, broad enough, even for me. Speaking harshly to myself when I’ve messed up doesn’t do one bit of good and typically does further harm.

Father, I love you and I’m so thankful for your words of wisdom. You are kind to me, even when I mess up. Your compassion overwhelms me. Your gentleness inspires me. Help me to be like you. May my words float upwards to the heavens to glorify your blessed name. In Jesus name, Amen.

Grace and Faith

“Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see” (Hebrews 11:1).

I want to share an old song that I love:

Familiar things tend to go unnoticed, until one day what is familiar becomes new.

That’s what grace and faith did for me this week. They each showed up unexpectedly, tipped their hats and introduced themselves to me in a whole new way.

I was alone and thinking through my life. Some parts of it were making me sad, and to a certain extent, were drawing my attention away from God. So I took out my phone and looked at a text I had sent myself – the verse for the day: Ephesians 2:8 “For by grace you have been saved through faith.” As I read, I saw the words grace and faith and began to meditate about my life with new eyes.

In the middle of it all, a dawning came over me that God was at that very moment giving me His free gift of grace, covering my sin. Through faith in the One who is worthy to be believed, He was providing me with an opportunity to accept His precious gift. He was giving me the ability to view my circumstances differently, and then to live my life in accordance with that view.

God gives me grace to enable me to live my life for Him.

The more I thought about it, the more I allowed the grace to come in (it was my responsibility to receive it) and cover my sadness. I knew that God had things for me to do, tasks that required me to be ALL there.

On the foundation of His grace, my mind grew stronger, my body felt more equipped, and I knew in faith that I could go forward.

Knowing I was full of God’s grace, my thoughts turned to the next word, faith.

Faith is acting on the assumptions of my beliefs, even though I can’t prove any of it. I’m stepping forward as if…

…AS IF…

I act as if I can see God’s workings when in fact the evidence I SEE with my physical eyes is the opposite. Keeping my eyes on ‘the opposite’ is why my feelings can drive me to sadness ALL THE TIME.

Bravely walking full steam ahead into my situation, I believed that God would take care of me and would do what needed to be done through me.

Things would be much less complicated and much more pleasant without having to face the heavy things of my life. But if that were the case, my faith wouldn’t grow. I wouldn’t have a chance to test the grace that God pours out on me in His mercy, but also the grace of energy He gives me to do what is right. I wouldn’t experience giving grace (forgiveness) to others. I wouldn’t witness God’s power at work right in front of me.

And so it goes, I allowed sadness to teach me to lay it down in order to pick up God’s gifts of grace and faith with confidence to begin my tasks for the day.

The enemy always reminds me about why I should be so unhappy. He tells me I can’t live without this or that. He accuses me that I’m a horrible person and that I’m the one to blame in my circumstances.

Grace and faith tell me something different. They tell me that joy comes from anticipating God’s gifts in abundance, gifts that can always become good (even the sadness). They remind me that life really isn’t going to go as well if I don’t reach out to Him and accept daily the beautiful things He tries to offer me. A bad life isn’t the result of earthly loss (terrible circumstances can be overcome with His help). But, when I try to live life without God, I am truly helpless and empty. God loves me with passion and covers all my sins.

Sometimes, I hear Him nudge me with a bit of a self-satisfied smile to say; “You’re welcome.” (Because the things that used to make me sad end up becoming the very things that change my life into something wondrous to behold.)

THAT’S how to deal with the bothersome irritants that daily haunt me.

I thank you Father for even the sad times and for the confusing stuff of life that makes me feel out of control. Thank You for Your grace and for giving me the faith I need to believe in You. When I allow You in the picture, ALL things are redefined through a whole other perspective. Give me wisdom to see this way every day and not to buy into the enemy’s lies. Lord, help me to open my gifts from You with breathless anticipation and joy. May the wonder of Your gifts never die. Let me be like a child, jumping forward to receive what You have for me today. Give me visions of Your face as You give me gifts with great delight. You are my best gift. Thank You, Father. In Jesus name, Amen.