Purified in Suffering

As you know, we count as blessed those who have persevered. You have heard of Job’s perseverance and have seen what the Lord finally brought about. The Lord is full of compassion and mercy. James 5:11

Several weeks ago, I wrote about the call for joy, even in our trials, and how our trials produce perseverance.

As James encouraged his fellow Christians in today’s verse, he expressed his harmony to the view that those who undergo terrible hardships are blessed who continue to bear up under it. “We count as blessed….”

He reminds us of the deeply moving example of Job in the Old Testament who endured unfathomable suffering to the end and of a merciful God who tenderly cared for him after his season of nightmares.

I’ve pondered all through this week a question: Did Job have any other choice but to stay alive in his misery? He had to go forward or take his own life.

Did he really have perseverance or did he muddle through the best he could in his great agony? His circumstances were beyond harsh, it seems like it would have felt like being buried alive. Everything he valued was stripped away from him. No wonder he pleaded for death.

To add insult to injury, Job’s own friends verbally came against him. Day after day, they recited their reasons for why they thought he was in such terrible straits. They felt it was because of sin in his life.

All the way through this book of Job, he complains and drowns in his sorrows. He feels his misery and cries out. The pain is more than he can bear. So why does James say that he persevered? What clues do we have from his words that we can emulate in our temptations to despair?

Job 1: 20-22 says, “At this [after he had received bad news upon more bad news], Job got up and tore his robe and shaved his head. Then he fell to the ground in worship and said:
‘Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked I will depart. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised.’
In all this, Job did not sin by charging God with wrongdoing.”

I have chills down my spine when I read that.

What thoughts I gather to my mind is that when James labeled him as a man of perseverance, he wasn’t saying that Job spent time in his terrible storms without depression and complaints. He naturally even had his moments of impatience in suffering. In other words, he acted the part all of us would have played under great pressure and presence of pain.

Not one of us can follow any great quality, such as perseverance, perfectly. However, we can allow the refining process of the Holy Spirit to do His work in us in every trial. We can come to a place of contentment and submissive trust, giving ourselves over completely to Him (rejecting any thought of disbelief).

As we look back on our hardships, the deepest part of us knows that God was with us all along. We can rest assured that He is, and ever will be, full of heartfelt compassion and proactive mercy.

The Lord bestowed His kindness and mercy upon Job after it was all over. Job would, in fact, never be the same again. In chapter 42 of the book of Job, though he was never told why he had to suffer, he “repented in dust in ashes.”

He spoke in awe to God in verse 5, “My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you.”

When Job’s trial came to an end, we know that Satan’s plans had failed. His purposes may have been to annihilate Job’s faith and bring him to a place of hopeless doubt, utter misery and ruin.

We all might venture a guess at the purposes of God during Job’s impossible journey through pain. All we can know for sure, however, is that, when we lean into God during the storms, His phenomenal purposes are carried through. We may not comprehend their meaning, but our hard times have a purifying effect on us when we take our eyes off the enemy (bringing him to failure) and truly see the Lord, all glorious and brilliant to look upon, even in our gloom.

After our seasons of suffering, we are never the same as our hearts hold fast to this Great, Wise God of the Universe. In this we can have profound and deep joy, amid unspeakable trials.

Father, help us to be brave in our sufferings and to cling to perseverance and trust. We KNOW you are there, though we may not feel your presence. Sit with us in our tears and moans of pain. Show us your kindness and lead us to grow in our faith evermore. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Worship Anyway (Discernment Series #9)

In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Prov. 3:6

We have come a long way in the study of discernment. Today’s verse leads us to another point in coming to know God’s ways. We must acknowledge Him, meaning, we admit His existence and truth. We recognize and notice Him as Lord over our lives. We express gratitude and appreciation for Him.

In order to do this, we must be aware of what things clutter our lives; you know, the extra stuff that does nothing to enhance our urgent time here on earth. Clutter distracts from God’s holiness. It distracts from the clarity we need in making our good choices.

When we get rid of the clutter and bring our decisions and place them before God, we are acknowledging the importance of His wisdom and authority in our lives. We not only want His input, (a clue or a hint of what to do so we can pull all ideas together and decide), we want to know HIS beautiful, perfect will.

At this point, however, I must confront a few honest dilemmas that can show up in my heart.

The first one comes after I’ve acknowledged His greatness, and then I expect God to show up in some huge, fantastic way. (See the story of Naaman the ‘big shot’ in II Kings 5 who assumed his healing of leprosy would come in a flattering, flamboyant manner. Instead, he was asked to wash in the Jordan River seven times. How boring is that! There’s no prestige in such a mundane act.)

When God wants to show up in hidden or seemingly small ways, are we insulted? What if the answer to our discernment questions comes in quiet ways with no fuss, no big story to tell? What if the way God reveals His will is not very profound, but it is clear?

Acknowledging the Lord God in all our choices is of utmost importance. Yet, when He makes our paths straight, and we follow Him, there is still another dilemma.

We don’t always know the results that will come. Our obedience isn’t a promise that good things will happen.

Do you remember Job in the Old Testament (from the book named after him)?

From Job’s story, we learn that when all is well, we worship; when all isn’t well, we are real about our pain, but, still, we worship; when everything seems impossible, we face our struggles, but we worship. When things still remain hopeless after we worship, we hurt and we cry, but we still fall on our knees again before God and keep worshiping.

Where else can we turn? In our greatest trials, we need Him more than anyone or anything else, even when we don’t understand why we must go through these and even when His answers continue to be no to solving the problems our way. We still need His presence and light.

Job had done everything right in God’s eyes. Yet, he was given hardships beyond what we can fathom.

When we don’t get the results we want after following God’s ways, we worship and trust Him.

Sometimes the process of discernment and the end result aren’t as romantic as some of the stories we read in the Bible or the books about heroes of the faith, but I can assure you that obedience remains crucial. Obedience, no matter what else is going on, requires our full attention and willingness to leave even the spiritual clutter and sin of our souls behind.

Spiritual clutter and sin are deep matters that only Christ can uproot and remove from us, like the dragon scales in C.S. Lewis’ book, The Voyage of the Dawn Treader.

Eustace, a stubborn, mean little boy, finds himself in a fairy tale land in which he travels the seas with a king and his crew and tries to solve the mystery of several missing kings. The children (who came with Eustace) follow the ways of Aslan the Lion. But, on one of the islands, Eustace wanders off on his own, sulking from the consequences of being rude and obnoxious. He stumbles on a treasure trove of great riches and greedily begins to stuff his pockets full of precious gold and silver. After a while he becomes tired and falls asleep only to awaken as a dragon. After many days of regret and learning his lesson, he is led by Aslan into the woods to confront his selfish self. There, he repents of his actions, not only of greed but of unkindness towards his companions. He feels like if only he could scrape the dragon scales away from himself, he would be able to move forward once again as a little boy. But, alas, the layer upon layer of scales is too hard for him to discard. Aslan steps forward and takes over. The dragon’s outer covering falls away and there now stands Eustace, the renewed child.

Discernment is serious business and requires preparation, prayer, quiet time and stillness before God. It is a time to reflect, repent and allow Him to heal us (and to remove our dragon scales).

I will end with an important question for consideration:

Is knowing God’s will really utmost on our hearts as it should be? He knows what is good for us, but do we truly desire to go to the places He sends us and do the things He requires? These would be daunting callings if, without a doubt, we knew His will at all times.

Again, discernment is a serious business.

Most people don’t want to be led by anyone but themselves. We tell God to wait until a convenient time opens up, and then we might be ready to ask Him what to do and follow His will faithfully!

In all urgency, if I’m really serious about always listening to my Father, I will have to let go of control. I will have to yield to the Holy Spirit during an argument or when I’ve had little sleep. I might be awakened by Him at all hours of the night to pray for His people or led to do things I dread.

Yet, in the end, my soul would be happiest in my obedience to follow Him than when I cling to my own ways.

Here are a few things to add to the Discernment Wheel from last week:

Discernment can happen:

Even when Satan brings his best
In self-control
In sacrifice
When I look for a cross & a resurrection
Not through my emotions or will. (God says “I need you here!) Freeze in place.
Not made in haste

Father, we acknowledge that you are our Lord and Master of all things. Clear away the clutter in our lives and spirits. Uproot the deepest sins of our hearts. When we follow you, help us not to see results as our greatest goal, but help relationship and obedience to be our highest cry. In Jesus’ name. Amen.

How Long, Lord?

How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and day after day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me? Look on me and answer, Lord my God. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death, and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,” and my foes will rejoice when I fall. But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing the Lord’s praise, for he has been good to me. Psalm 13

Sometimes, life simply fails us at moments when we most need to be lifted up, and because we are human, we hurt. We become confused and can be in despair as David so poignantly expressed of himself.

Today’s psalm may have been written during King Saul’s pursuit and threats to David. David was at the end of his rope.

Yet, somehow in just a few verses, he found his peace once again.

Though I love watching movies. I have always found it interesting that the characters are faced with impossible problems in each segment, but somehow by the end of 30-45 minutes, a bow is nicely wrapped around each and every issue, and generally everyone goes home happy and satisfied (except for the bad guy).

“No way!” we cry! But we still love watching these shows. We love happy endings.

It dawned on me as I read today’s Psalm that David accomplished this. His circumstances didn’t change, but by the end of his rantings and ravings, his soul found rest in his God. He was satisfied.

I think this is beautiful! And the process he went through is something we can all do.

At the beginning of his agonizing prayer, his situation had left him feeling abandoned by God. Most of us have felt this way. We may KNOW in our heads that God exists, but we want Him to show up and be active in our difficult trials.

Yet, what would it be like if God really did leave us? In reality, we wouldn’t be able to go forward. A universe without Him would be void and lost.

In his trial, David still believed God was near. Why cry out to Him if He had disappeared? The psalm simply speaks of David’s authentic struggles before the Lord concerning his greatest and deepest hurts.

When a woman is giving birth, the labor pains feel like they will last forever. The struggle is long and wearying. But when the child comes forth the pain is forgotten.

David, in a sense is giving birth (as are we in our struggles). He is going through something in which God is right there with him and is moving in mighty ways all around him. One day the running (from Saul) will stop. One day, God will make things new. One day the birth will be complete. But for now, David complains to his One and Only. The One who hears his cries as he expresses ANYTHING that sits in his heart, ANYTIME.

He begs God to give him light. And though God still ‘hides his face,’ David is being taught how to see more clearly and in a deeper way than if God came and solved all his problems right then.

Feelings can steer us in the wrong direction, even into a fog, but the light of God gives us fresh eyes to know His presence and to have a better understanding of our situations. David is learning how to strengthen his faith, how to have hope in the waiting, and how to rejoice in the Lord, despite his trials.

In David’s psalm, there is a turning point, a glorious ‘but!’

“But I trust…”

He is done looking into his own heart for answers. Now he turns and really looks into the eyes of the One who is greater than himself and his fears, the Lord of all. He calls things that are not as though they were (Romans 4:17).

When we can remember, in our desperation, that our trust and our dependence is not on ourselves, but on a Mighty God, we are remembering the solid rock on which we stand. God’s Spirit lives in us to remind us of this every day.

Then we can see that we are being made holy by the Father, and we can be thankful in His powerful presence. He is there, always there. Our mourning turns into dancing. Our despair turns into praise.

The circumstances may remain the same, but the fear, resentment and sadness inside the darkness fade into an all-consuming heart-felt worship of a Majestic and Awesome Father God. We cling to Him alone.

What we wanted before doesn’t seem as fearful or terrible when we remember that He, indeed, is with us.

Certainly, in our times of darkness, our eyes and ears become aware of others who need our experience of Him. We can comfort those who are going through what we have gone through.

We teach them to bring their longings and sadness and cast their cares upon a Mighty God. We show them that we can still rejoice, for God is good.

Lord God, there are so many who remain in impossibly hard times. And we all cry, “How long, Lord?” Please open up our eyes to your light. Let us know your goodness. Help us to see and learn and grow during our dark times. Walk with us. Strengthen our faith and give us hope. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Weeded Heart

The prudent see danger and take refuge, but the simple keep going and pay the penalty. Proverbs 27:12

A familiar story came to mind this week concerning God’s ‘testing’ of Abraham in which he was to offer Isaac (his own son) on an altar (Gen. 22). Many friends and family tell me they could never have obeyed such a command.

Actually, I don’t think the story was about Abraham binding Isaac’s hands and feet as an offering as much as it was about Abraham metaphorically holding out his own hands and feet to God, to ready himself for his own ‘death’ to self. That’s what it would have taken for Abraham to willingly comply, even to God. God never intended for Isaac to die. He only wanted to know that there was nothing between them, not even the beloved son Abraham had waited for, for so long. In the end, God provided a ram for Abraham to offer instead of his son.

When there is ANYTHING between God and me, THAT is a danger to my soul. A wise man stands still as his prized possessions are carefully weeded out by the Lord’s careful hand, possessions that could close his ears to God’s voice and his heart to obedience.

The ‘weeds’ (things to which one attaches one’s self too strongly) could be anyone in one’s family or church or anything that captures one’s attention away from the Father.

All summer, I’ve been pulling weeds on my one acre lot. The work has kept me busy. I’ve pruned and cut and trimmed. It’s been hard work, but satisfying to see the beauty of my accomplishments.

As I pull up whole root systems that take hours to conquer, my mind is drawn to how God must feel when the process of change in me is complicated and dreadfully deep. My soul doesn’t want to let go. My soul clings to what it thinks will provide happiness or safety. In reality, the Lord knows what will endanger and harm me more than I do.

Other weeds in my yard, I’ve noticed, are extremely easy to uproot. That reminds me of the hard work the Father has given to my heart’s negatives for several long years. These traits will always try to return, but at this point, God gives a little tug and they yield freely to His gentle hand.

Such a dynamic is astonishing and miraculous and stirs in me a desire to be a prudent woman.

How is the prudent wise and the ‘simple’ so foolish that they keep holding onto their possessions and walking into the same snares and traps of the enemy of God again and again?

Let’s review what we’ve learned so far in Prov. 27:

The fool or simple person boasts about tomorrow, praises himself, overreacts, gets insanely jealous, insincerely compliments but never openly confronts or lovingly ‘wounds’ his friends. The fool is too full of self to be hungry for honey (righteousness), he strays from home, doesn’t care to give or take sweet advice, forsakes his friends in times of need and dishonors his father.

There is danger in continuing a life of laziness, anger, neglect and, also, pride.

Why do the foolish keep going in this direction?

Maybe doing so is thrilling or maybe they are bored. They may need to numb the pain felt on the inside. They may think that anything else is better than the bad they know, even if the consequences are terrible.

But the prudent fight for the good life they can have in Christ. They surrender their desires that would cause them to crave danger.

One beautiful day, I was running in my old neighborhood with my face glancing at the houses I passed by. At one point, the next thing I knew, I had tripped over a jagged piece of sidewalk and fell flat on my face. Bleeding and sore, I picked myself back up and kept running. The next time around, my eyes were fixed on the sidewalk (at that spot), not wanting to go through that again. I learned from my mistake.

The prudent learn to see past their impulsive choices and consider the outcome. They don’t simply live for a moment of pleasure or temporary relief from pain.

The prudent wisely and honorably learn from their blunders and escape much trouble. The simple continue doing the same thing they’ve been doing (foolish or lazy) and continue to be conquered by painful experiences.

Certainly, the situation someone is in isn’t the “problem,” though he may think so. What he does in wisdom or foolishness with the situation or temptation is the focus of today.

What does he see ahead? What will happen if he goes this way or that? He must think it through. Everything he chooses must be carefully and prayerfully weighed for its spiritual benefits or disadvantages.

Some follow the crowd into a pit even though they know the consequences. The benefit of being included is worth more than the wages of sin. Therefore, it is the mature (prudent) man who deeply considers his value in the eyes of God, knowing his acceptance in God’s family and not giving into a need to stray for want of companionship.

The wise soul doesn’t put off needed repairs or projects. He knows that procrastination will eventually worsen the cost and pain of the important jobs. His priorities are rearranged to take care of today’s need. The prudent worker takes time to rest and play and not lose his health. The wise mother cleans up a messy spill immediately and doesn’t wait until it dries and cakes onto the container, only to further complicate and extend her work.

If today the prudent is energetic and strong, he finds productive things to do with his energy instead of lazily watching the time pass him by.

Father God, your Bible is perfect and so good for me to hear every day of my life. Please weed my heart of things that cause me harm. Help me to be free of ruinous habits and negative traits. Help me to thrive in my life like a well-watered garden. Keep me from danger. Help me to be prudent and wise about my choices. In Jesus name, Amen.

Thriving in Contentment

Anger is cruel and fury overwhelming, but who can stand before jealousy? Prov. 27:4

Today, we add to our knowledge of thriving by learning to abstain from enslavement to one of the worst of our out-of-control emotions. Today we study jealousy.

Anger (covered in last week’s blog) is one of the emotions that generally parades around for all to see. Yet, jealousy is a quiet, stubborn parasite that exploits its host, benefiting itself (or the devil) in the process. It stirs up and spreads hidden toxic damage and is very hard to uproot. When these toxins finally present themselves, others find it difficult to stand before such powerful feelings. Jealousy never gives anything in return.

Jealousy isn’t generated by something from without but from within. It is a dreaded green-eyed creature that entirely takes over when a person entertains even a single grievance. Sad frustrations feed the monster as it grows considerably by the moment.

Perhaps such envy doesn’t become outwardly violent, but it can turn to passive-aggressive irritations and unkindness’s toward those begrudged.

We want something because someone else has it, therefore we nag or complain until we get our wishes. We put aside the purchases we need and use our resources to impulsively buy what we want. We throw away our own God-given talents in pursuit of qualities we see others possess.

What is it that we envy? We envy a person’s house, life, career, spouse, talents, popularity, gentleness, calmness or organization. However, if we were to list our topics of jealousy and then make a list of the qualities or possessions we already have, the list would reveal how well off we really are. Maybe it would open our eyes!

Envy is defined as a discontented or resentful longings, desires or grudges for someone else’s stuff, character, or luck and a deafness to our own current blessings and gifts.

The opposite of jealousy is contentment, generosity or a genuine happiness for other people’s achievements. We have a quiet peace that invades our souls instead of always grabbing for more.

Jealousy happens when a person improperly puts his attention (wants, desires, lust) more on an earthly thing than it should be. It is selfishly motivated, not others-centered. Jealousy takes up the entire mind in obsessive reverence for something that is not God. Instead of worship and praise, the person is worshiping himself or the things he is jealous for.

When I am feeding my jealousy, I cannot be in a state of worship to God. Likewise, when I am feeding my desire to worship, I cannot be in a state of jealousy.

In a state of reverential worship, my mind is submitted to what God wants me to do with what I have. There is no sense of lack. “The Lord is my Shepherd; I shall not want.” Psalm 23.

I asked my husband how he would define jealousy or envy. He felt that it was something born from insecurity. “I’m not good enough. I have to prove myself. The more I achieve or earn, the higher my value. Therefore, I exhaust myself, yearning for what others have or for what I perceive they have. I seek approval and end up giving up my power to others.“

My husband remarked how this dilemma is quite unsatisfying. Even if a person gets what he wants, the attainment is never enough.

The never enough dynamic is so true. A child fights for the toy the other child has, but when he finally gets a turn to play with the toy, he loses interest. It’s not the toy he wanted in the first place!

Envy happens when we want something so badly, we become blinded to how we treat people who get in our way. Sometimes, envy is easy to spot in ourselves. Just follow our irritations and they typically lead us to our jealousies.

Certainly, we may feel justified because of our circumstances. In the Bible, even God was righteously jealous for His people. Anger may be ‘righteous’ at times. However, jealousy must be released eventually, or it will ruin and destroy.

I have discovered a good test to see if what I’m feeling is acceptable or not. I ask myself, “Is this emotion taking me away or moving me closer to God?” Some emotions are led by God and are paving the way for His will. Other times, I must walk away from destructive emotions, such as jealousy.

Lord, rid me of envy. Renew my mind and help me to follow the qualities obtained in the fruit of your Holy Spirit (Gal. 5:22-23). Help me to adopt a right perspective of the things of this world. May I submit to your will and put on true humility and love. Instead of jealousy, teach me to wait on YOU. You provide for me and are all I need. When I receive a desired or hopeful gift, help me not to look at it as something I cling to in order to be happy. May I see it as something granted from your hand, your provision at just the right time. Give me contentment and a waiting, trustful hope, not a demanding spirit, but a letting go. When your gifts are given, may I learn how to soak them in without guilt at the pleasures you give and without discontent in future expectations. Help me to be in-the-moment inside my grateful praise to the Father, the Giver of all good things. Whether I feel needful or not, I am always filled with you. In Jesus name, Amen.

Joyful Loser

Whoever tries to find his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life will preserve it. Luke 17:33

I was married in my early 20’s and a year later, I had a miscarriage. Another year passed and I had a stillborn baby boy. My husband and I were devastated. All I had wanted my whole life was to get married and have lots of babies. Here I was with a body that kept failing me. I remember feeling so confused. What was I supposed to do with my life now? I was young and I remember hiking through a forest in the rain. Surrounded by beauty, I set my will down on an imaginary altar. In tears, I gave my desire for children to God and committed myself to whatever He wanted.

That was a little less than 38 years ago. Today I have five grown children and six grandchildren. God was with me during that awful season, and then He blessed me over and over again with my heart’s desire.

Sadly, however, I have other difficult seasons that may never end. Some desires never get fulfilled and that’s a part of my life as well.

The verse for today comes to mind. When things we strongly hope for are long in coming we feel abandoned, disappointed, forgotten and maybe even somehow betrayed. We fall off the horse and have such a hard time getting back on.

Maybe, we believe that we must get in there and MAKE it happen the way we want. I guess we feel like we can do a better job than God can. We define life on our own terms.

I have found that when I push hard for what I want (or don’t want) and demand my way, grasping and clinging as if my life depended on it, I tend to lose out on so much: the precious moments that are happening all around me, people who are loving me well, gifts from God He is trying to pour out on me.

Yet, I cannot see them when my eyes are closed so tightly in grief over my losses. Perhaps these losses are things God temporarily holds back for a better time or perhaps these things will never be granted. But, I cannot allow myself to get stuck in the grief. I don’t want to live with my heart passionately tuned in only to what I don’t have.

What I know is that I must learn to be okay in the peaks and valleys of earthly living and in not knowing how long I will be without what I want. I must trust that God will take care of and rescue me.

I am not to be afraid.
I am to be courageous.

Sometimes, it feels like my dreams are so close to coming true and then they don’t happen. That’s when I trust the Father the most. There is no fixing my emotions, except through time. But I come to Him with all of me and cry out for His help, His way, even in the hard emotions that try to take me over. I don’t know how else to pray.

I stop trying to organize God and my world. I stop trying to find my life on my own terms.

I KNOW what I want, but I don’t have a right to rule or demand that those things happen. I let my life go and accept it the way God gives it to me, whatever that means.

…I surrender all…I surrender ALL….

So how should I pray? Prayer can be so painful, especially when ‘no’ becomes the common answer. Why should I even try anymore!

…Because God asked me to!

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Phil. 4:6-7)

God does not want me to come to Him like an emotionless robot with a grocery list of needs. He wants all of me. He wants my heart of dreams, my tears, and He wants my relinquished spirit as well.

He’s my Father.
He wants me to come to Him.

He’s my Father.
He knows when the timing of my requests is better answered later or never.

He’s my Father.
I can trust Him.

It’s challenging to pray bold, intense prayers and still be willing to give it all up for the sake of Christ. Some of this feels like a split personality. It’s hard to balance between my responsibility to pray (relational time with God) and my need to let go of what I’ve prayed for and still find joy.

I guess Jesus was my perfect example when He prayed in the garden that God would take this cup from Him, and God didn’t! Jesus had to die.

I choose to live my life on God’s terms.

It’s not a cross, but it still sometimes breaks my heart. I simply long for certain things that make me cry when they don’t come.

I have learned that the feelings take a while to heal when God’s answer is, once again, no. In the meantime, I may THINK that it’s people blocking my way (keeping me from my heart’s desire), but God tells me that He has me in this place for His purposes.

I am not being blocked, I am being freed!

That’s how I must see it. How I interact with those same people is on ME. After I have fully disclosed my heart of sadness and grieved, it’s time to move on. It is hard, but I put on my smile, and I act (in God’s power) my way through every moment. I smile, not for others, but for the sake of trusting God. I smile for Him and it changes me and my ability to trust Him more.

I love with God’s love, and my days eventually become easier. I keep pushing through. I find my joy and my purpose for THIS season of my life.

A person who loses his life as the verse describes doesn’t immediately skip to the abundant living. He grieves and accepts God’s terms about his future, and then he waits for what God will bring.

And through it all, I find that what may have seemed evil is really good. And what may seemed good is really evil. That’s why I leave it in His hands and trust.

In my relinquishing prayer: I hope, I believe, I pray, but I don’t cling. I choose joy.

As I strive to no longer depend on my answered prayer requests to be my life’s answers, I realize that God is my answer. Whatever He provides is all I need.

Lord, please show me how to “lose my life” in all this. I want to be a good soldier and not a complainer. I don’t want to whine myself into a solution. I come to you as you have asked me to, yet help me to lose my life on the terms you have set for me. Father, I am all in, whatever that means. You know my future. Help me to straddle this horse and ride into the sunset you put in the sky. Give me peace and wisdom. I need you Father. I cannot do this without you. In Jesus name, Amen.

Light of God

Eph 5:18 (ISV) Stop getting drunk with wine, which leads to wild living, but keep on being filled with the Spirit. (In other words, God says through Paul, “Stop being addicted to wine or anything else but me).”

As my week goes, so goes my blog. In my blog, I contemplate what I could have done better in my life, a life I long to dedicate to my Father.

I’ve been making much effort to soar above my trials. A war goes on in my head that tells me “you’re just trying to be a perfectionist, an analyst or an over-thinker.” Yet, truly, what I seek is holiness; to know God as much as I can on this earth in the short amount of time I’m here.

I try to imagine what a day would be like if my happiness was not tied to anyone or anything else but my Lord, His Spirit, or God.

I try to picture being completely filled with the Holy Spirit, so much that everything else fades away into the distance.

I envision times when television loses its lure, when social media becomes boring, and anger no longer pushes me to the edge. The Bible is sought after, found, and deeply read. Prayer becomes a sustaining part of true life. I envision seeking God’s face being an adventure and getting high on His presence! His calling for my life is magnificent even behind the scenes in the quiet. There would never be a boring day with Him.

What if I was addicted to the light of God!

Long ago, I had a dream about one of my friends. He loves people and he loves food. In my dream, a group of us were at a church function. Somehow I forgot my sack lunch. In the dream, my leader-type friend shared his food with me, which was awesome. When I looked again, he had left our table and was looking out the window, sunrays pouring through. My friend was IN the light, oblivious of people and food. He was enthralled by the beauty of God. Nothing else mattered to him. The rest of us were unnoticed.
He wanted to taste, see, hear, smell and touch only the light.
I envied my friend in this dream.

God’s light mesmerizes me. It captures my heart IF I pay close enough attention and not give my all to everything else.

Several scriptures refer to the light of God:
Exo_34:29  When Moses came down from Mount Sinai…he did not know that the skin of his face was ablaze with light because he had been speaking with God.
When I am addicted to the light of the Lord, my face reflects and shines His beauty.
Psa_19:8  …The commandment of the LORD is pure, giving light to the eyes.
His word draws me into the light of His heart.
Psa_27:1  The LORD is my light and my salvation—whom will I fear? The LORD is the strength of my life; of whom will I be afraid?
The light calms my fears.
Eze_1:28  The appearance of the radiant light resembled that of a rainbow shining in a cloud on a rainy day. This was what the appearance of the form of the glory of the LORD resembled. When I saw all of this, I fell flat on my face…
The light moves me to worship Him.
Mic_7:8  Don’t be glad on my account, my enemy. When I fall, I’ll get up. Though I sit in darkness, the LORD is a light for me.
His light shines even when I feel nothing but darkness around me.
Mic_7:9  I will endure the LORD’S anger—since I have sinned against him—until He takes over my defense, administers justice on my behalf, and brings me out to the light, where I will gaze on His righteousness.
The light calls me from sin.
2 Co_4:4  In their case, the god of this world has blinded the minds of those who do not believe to keep them from seeing the light of the glorious gospel of the Messiah, who is the image of God.
The light can be hindered by the enemy if I let the enemy take over my life and not the Lord.
1Jn_1:5  This is the message that we…declare to you: God is light and in Him there is no darkness—none at all!
God is light!
Rev_22:5  There will be no more night, and they will not need any light from lamps or the sun because the Lord God will shine on them….
The Lord’s light is all I need.

How might my life choices be different for each next step, I asked, ‘What do you want me to do, Father?'”

Would I stop and think about my options and ask why I’m doing what I’m doing? Would I spend less time on frivolous things and more time with people and with God’s kingdom work?

Perhaps someone would say, “It’s too hard to always think about God. Sometimes I just want a break from it all. If I think about God during times I want to rest and play, I’m afraid He will make me work. I only want to think about God on MY terms, when I’m in the mood. And when I do think about Him, I want Him to act as if I’ve been doing so all along and not only when I want to.”

(Side note: Come to think of it, that’s kind of what we do in our marriages and our parenting. We slack off and then we want to be treated as if we’ve always been the best ever.)

If I simply began to form the habit of always considering where God’s light is leading me next, would I be proven wrong? Is my picture of God inaccurate?

I wrote today’s blog on a weary day. I kept asking God, “What do you want me to do next? What do you want me to think about next?” I found myself falling into one of the deepest sleeps I’ve had in a long time. I awoke refreshed and ready to return to my blog.

God cares about my rest more than I do! He provides what I need, when I need it. If He pushes me beyond my limits, I can trust that He will provide for me in that task.

God created me to love (I’ve said this before), but He also created me to BE loved. The receiving of perfect love is only found in Him. In Him, I am completely, fully, and satisfactorily, forever loved beyond my imagination or dreams. It is in His light that I let go of all I cling to on earth, thinking those things or people could love me as only He can), in order to allow His love into my heart as it was meant to be.

And so I turn to His light and feel His most thorough, most holy love.

Father, I have been practicing at soaring above my trials. Last week I had some dark days, following a trauma of a friend. With her, I was calm and collected. The following day, I was under emotional attack and began to fall apart. That’s where the enemy hits me the most; in my emotions. I still soared above my trials, Father, but haltingly so. I felt like I would be crushed under the weight. I had no reason to say, ‘This is why I feel so crazy!’ I knew you were with me, and somehow the feelings would pass.
Today, all that is gone. The enemy has left. And I feel a sort of ‘pay it forward’ aspect of my trials. When trouble is happening to me, it feels terrible. It makes me want to join hands in compassion with all people who are in pain, for I certainly relate to them. Yet in soaring above my problems, I’ve paid close attention to your presence during the trials. I see with different eyes, through eyes that see your light, through eyes that know that the lessons I learn will be helpful for me and others.
The trials feel like oppression or like an enemy is pouring negatives into my brain. But what if there is more to the illness, fight or hurt?
When I am negatively emotional, perhaps what I think I see isn’t really there. When my emotions are reasonable then I deal with them in your power. But, so much of the time, there is no reason them other than an outside force in the heavenly realms.
Lord, I want my joy to be less tied to earth and more tied to the abundance of you in my life. I open my mouth like a little bird that you, in your love, will feed me. I think about you, and I want to dance through the streets. I feel the rays of sunshine on my face and the warmth of it gives me hope and joy. There is no one like you, dear Lord, even in my trials.
Last week, I don’t know how I made it through my troubles, but I do know that you heard my cry. Please forgive me for looking in other directions for my belly to be filled or for outside comfort and peace. The light of your face draws me to you. When I forget, please remind me of the beauty you shine in all your brilliance. In Jesus name, Amen.

Song by Watermark called “Peace”