Set Free

But God sent me ahead of you to preserve for you a remnant on earth and to save your lives by a great deliverance. Gen. 45:7

I close my eyes and try to picture myself in a corner of the room in which Joseph interacted with his brothers. Revealing himself to them must have been one of those moments one never forgets.

Verse 2 tells us he “wept so loudly that the Egyptians heard him, and Pharaoh’s household heard about it.”

It is hard to simply wipe away tears of loneliness and distance from one’s family or friends from which one has been ripped away. The loud tears must have held all those long years of pain and suffering beyond Joseph’s ability to endure. Yet, perhaps the tears also held memories of his Faithful God!

God had never left him and apparently had prospered him
despite his harsh circumstances.

My eyes stay closed as I envision what thoughts must have gone through the minds of each brother. This strange man before them was speaking odd words that HE was their brother.

What?
How?

Their haunted memories (they may have tried to erase from their minds) perhaps held the long-ago, petty jealousy and mistreatment of Joseph. But now this moment may have driven the flooded thoughts to the surface. And here he was, the boy they had sold into slavery, ruler of all Egypt.

Confused?
Amazed?

They may have recalled the dreams Joseph had in the past of them bowing before him and then stayed stuck in moments of stunned silence and awe.

Yet here he was. Instead of revenge and death which they well deserved. They heard his voice speak words even more strange, “But God sent me ahead of you to preserve for you a remnant on earth and to save your lives by a great deliverance.”

Tears ran down my face as I took it all in. And then my thoughts shifted.

Joseph had been chosen by God for purposes greater than their minds could fathom.

Why, oh why do I (we), like the brothers, settle for the slavery of jealousy of others in their God-given, God-purposed abilities. They are chosen for such a time as this!

Why can’t I be grateful and applaud what God is doing instead of selling others into slavery with my gossip, thoughts and even actions, especially those closest to me.

Father, my heart is teaching me to see your wonders for what they are in every person I meet. Set me free from the negatives I feel, and show me how to encourage, support and help others in their journeys. Teach me to intentionally lift them in prayer instead of grumbling in my spirit. Their task is likely not easy. Their burdens may be heavy. Help me to assist them well and honor their work with respect and reminders of your provision. Show me how to help them process their path, how to be willing to be last instead of first, even overlooked and unheard and to quietly and joyfully soar above my jealousies and go about my own work that you have called ME to do. In Jesus name, Amen.

Return to Your Rest

 Ps 116:7 Return to your rest, my soul, for the Lord has been good to you. Psalm 116:7

Soothing verse!

However, rest goes much deeper than sleep or recreation. This rest affects the soul. Our souls get tired. From what?

How about sleepless nights, dreary days, overwhelming responsibilities, problems at home, problems at work, illnesses, relationships, change or a loved one’s death.

Yet, let’s go a little further. What exhausts our souls even more than those things? How about bitterness, unforgiveness, resentment, jealousy, over-anger, control, pickiness, self-pity,….and the list goes on.

The Psalmist, who wrote the chapter, was indeed, dealing with the former: an illness or a dangerous situation that brought him near death. He cried out to God and God delivered him.

That’s when he said, “Return to your rest, my soul, for the Lord has been good to you.”

Eventually, this man succumbed to death, whether through illness, injury or old age. Yet, somehow, it is good to know that today, we can return to rest for our souls no matter what is going on in our lives.

I’ve thought about this all week. My soul hasn’t felt restful lately. And I wondered what was wrong. Why couldn’t I just pray and then everything change for the good?

I realize that several options present themselves. My unchangeable circumstances are not limiting me. If this was a permanent situation, I would eventually, somehow, have to find my peace with God. But my current season will not last long.

I simply have felt like I was drowning with too many things on my plate. Anger has been chipping away at my armor, behind the scenes, in quiet jabs from the enemy and uneasy feelings, filling my thoughts with a lack of peace. I haven’t been ill or dying (like the man in the Psalm), but inside I felt like I was. I had to make a change or my soul would not find rest.

At one point, I asked God to help me. I cried out to Him as the Psalmist did.

Ideas began to flow in my mind. It dawned on me to take a good look at my days and prioritize the things that reflected my life’s goals (as directed by God). Maybe this sounds simplistic. Being able to reassess my life typically comes easy for me. Why hadn’t I thought of that before?

Because life sometimes slips in and takes over.

“No more!” I said to myself.

It helped to sit with God and reevaluate His plan for me. Perfection wasn’t the goal, as much as knowing the direction to take…with Him as my guide, and also, knowing that this would be a process, not an overnight change! In other words, there would be no quick fix to my life. (I wasn’t immediately delivered.) The process of going through something hard seems to be a work that God wants to do in my soul to grow me.

Sometimes, He gives quick answers of yes or no.
Sometimes, He says, wait.
And sometimes, He gives the answer by saying, “This is going to take a long time for you to learn (comprehend and understand). Nevertheless, I am here, and I am doing a mighty work, trust me!”

God is good, so good. And He shows me His goodness in some pretty funny ways.

Our new puppy loves to ‘hug’ me. We’re adjusting to each other and she is messy. So I have decided to put on old jeans and a T-shirt and then get down on the floor with her. I stroke her soft fur and let her give me wiggly, wild kisses on my chin. After that, she seems to settle down…for the moment.

I can be pretty messy (sinful) as well in my human state!

At one time in history, God put on flesh and got down on the floor with us. Jesus came to earth and dwelled among us. His death on a cruel cross was His way of patting our heads, holding us close, comforting us and curing our lostness. Though He is in Heaven now, with His Father, His Spirit is in my heart. He is with me always. He will never leave me. He soothes my anxious mind and settles my fears. He gives me rest. It is mine to take into my soul.

Lord, thank you for holding me tight and loving me so dearly. I am overwhelmed with gratitude at the rest you give my soul. You help me to see my own responsibility for the choices I make for my life. Keep me full of your wisdom. Help me to daily offer my body as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to you. Then I can know your will for me. In Jesus name, Amen.

Black Lives Matter – Different Perspective

Do not forsake your friend or a friend of your family, and do not go to your relative’s house when disaster strikes you—better a neighbor nearby than a relative far away. Proverbs 27:10

Last night, I heard the terrible cries of a friend whose life had fallen apart during the pandemic. Her story broke my heart.

The effects of covid, cancer, disease, marriage problems, starvation and many other severe trials has the entire human race under its grip. We can’t always relate to each other’s unique struggles, but we can all relate to suffering in some form or another.

Every human encounters trials that keep us up at night and worry our minds to the point of despair. We also face the temptation of our souls that the enemy of God brings to ensnare us. Darkness is his home, and he wants us to follow him into his pit of destruction.

Two things may cause us to live in the shadows: our trials (circumstances) and Satan’s traps (temptations). No one escapes these.

So who do we turn to for help?

Again, Proverb 27:10 says, “Do not forsake your friend or a friend of your family, and do not go to your relative’s house when disaster strikes you—better a neighbor nearby than a relative far away.”

The commentaries seem to agree that “far away” means relationships not proximity. In other words, the friends or family who invest in us (and are active in our lives) will be the ones we call on in times of need (and vice versa).

When someone checks on me, and I check on them, I have a true friend. They honestly care about my well-being (the stories of my life). If a little time goes by, and I become quiet in my pain, they don’t let it pass without sending a verse, a prayer or a song of encouragement, and I do the same.

This kind of friend isn’t too fearful to return love, isn’t too shy, oversensitive or over-needy (dependent on me in my human flaws to fix everything and make it all better). Both of us lean on God for that!

I vividly remember the days of holding and rocking my babies late into the night. I also remember the terrible moments of teaching them how to self-soothe. We train our babies to understand that mommy has other responsibilities (including getting some sleep), and that they must learn how to cuddle with a stuffed toy or suck on a pacifier instead of wearing mommy out. Mainly, as babies grow, we teach them about the arms of a big God, arms that are always open and available.

As adults, we cling to Jesus in our worst moments and let Him rock and hold us tight. We always have His comforting touch. Our friends will, at times, be unavailable. That’s our cue to go to the Greatest Friend we have.

In our trials, who do we turn to? God first (I choose to take myself out from under despair and place myself into the safe grip of my Father!) HE directs us to each other. He gives us communities in which we involve ourselves in the emotions and hardships of problems other than our own.

During this pandemic, I am tempted to feel the dislike, the hurt and pain concerning my life. I am bored, at times, and sick of not having the freedom to spend time with and see my friends. Every other trial my family is going through seems magnified by this virus. Through it all, several adversities have popped up, sometimes, feeling like layer upon layer of grief. It is overwhelming.

Yet, here is a question I pose to myself and the world: what if, in our hardships, God is refining and purifying us? What if all we’re going through isn’t about healing our hurts, but our souls? What if He is turning us to Him? Wouldn’t that be the true miracle? Not an eradication of covid (which I pray for every day), but an eradication of sin in our lives. What if we are supposed to use every second of this contagious event to spread caring hearts for one another in our pure suffering?

One thing I’ve noticed lately is how the flowers continue to blossom even in the pandemic. The animals go about their lives pretty much untouched. The sun still rises and falls every day. Apparently, God cares about my response to the good and the bad. I am taking this time to do likewise: to shine, to blossom, to go about my life blessing people. I am working hard within the choices in front of me that make a difference. The hard, sweaty work is good, and I find myself praising God, though my circumstances are NOT what I want them to be.

My friends are the ones who remind me of my Father during this time. They help keep my mind fixed on the eternal aspects of life, not on what is temporarily painful. They cry and hurt with me, but they also spur my heart to go higher. (Laughter does it every time!) My friends encourage and help me to thrive (my theme for the year)!

Certainly, however, not every person in our lives are ideal to turn to in times of need.

Forsake is a daunting word. It means to abandon, desert or give up. The verse of the day encourages us not to forsake (out of laziness or petty anger) those we know need our help.

The opposite of forsake is to stay with, to be there for someone who is in a disaster.

I had a simple surgical procedure 15 years ago that knocked me off my feet, physically and emotionally, for a few months. No one knew I was in need because it didn’t occur to me to seek help. My trial was nothing compared to the hardships others were facing. But my neighbor, out of the blue, twice, brought over food for my family. I was touched and amazed at answers to my unspoken prayers. I felt especially loved!

We don’t always vocalize our pain, so it’s nice for gifts like that to drop from the sky out of nowhere. From that event I learned that it is important to take the time to listen to the promptings God puts on our hearts. Make the phone call or drop a casserole off at a friend’s house. You never know the impact God wants to have through you!

Sometimes, we are insulted during our trials when no one shows up, calls or provides anything, or they provide very little (and look what we did for them when they were in trouble, right?) But remember, not every trial is the same. Some trials are personal, between you and God. If God, for reasons of His own, doesn’t take away or stop the bad from happening, and you end up with layers of hardships painfully carried on your back, and then one day if the Lord God brought you something good, would you be insulted? Would it be too late to feel the kindness of His offer? Would you turn Him down?

Our friends or family cannot possibly be present 24/7 for our every need or trial. Let our response to them, when they do show up, be thankful and gracious for their gifts of love (this includes our mates or children). The next time we are available and they are in need, we still give in abundance because God is our helper.

On the flip side, we can’t always be there for our friends, and that can cause us great discomfort. We want to give them our time and attention. But, for reasons beyond our control, we must let them and their troubles go, and place them into the hands of God.

It is vital in this life to learn ways to be a good friend.

Sometimes when I exercise or clean the supper dishes, I think to myself how silly it would be to assume that this steadfast, productive moment should be enough to last forever. “Okay, I’m done. I’ll never have to do dishes again.” “I just went running, and now my heart should infinitely respond to this one attempt at fitness.” “I’ve eaten an awesome healthy lunch today. Now my body will be healthy forever!“

But that’s not the way of things. Dishes pile up again, bodies, though they beg for junk, are really always craving fuel, exercise has to be done almost daily in order to make a difference toward health. Unless we heed these calls, we can put ourselves into unspeakable trials and habits that will take a long time to reverse.

Likewise, I cannot simply speak ONE kind word to my friend in his trial and expect that friendship to last. Friendship is an ongoing responsibility and a joy when done right. Friendship is a dynamic used by God to bring about great good in times of suffering and distress.

It is important to follow the good paths so that none of us end up forsaking our friends. Here are a few solid steps: refuse to gossip, stop jealousy from over-taking your heart, believe good things about your friends, if at all possible be there for them when they are in trouble.

All the lessons we’ve taken into our hearts so far in Proverbs 27 (previous blogs) can strengthen or weaken the bonds of friendship.

Today’s proverb teaches us that it is in the trials of life that true friends show up.

The verse says also that friends of our family may need our attention in times of trouble and likewise may be a help to us. When a father is long gone, HIS true friends are OUR true friends. It is our way to keep our fathers and their morals alive.

Of course, relatives and family can become some of our closest friends.

However, just because they wear the label of nephew or aunt, doesn’t make them the best people to call on. When in need, turn to someone who loves and invests in you.

When your friend is in trouble (one you’ve invested in), be there for him. Go the extra mile. Grab others to help if the job is too heavy. When someone’s house burns down or the doctor calls with a bad diagnosis… cook, clean, or send notes. Do what you can. Be their prayer warrior when they can’t remember what or how to pray.

For a moment, recall the worldwide, well known phrase, “Black lives matter,” and let’s use it to remind ourselves that the greatest way to truly bring this slogan to life and make a difference in this world is to rise up and help our fellowman who currently suffer in dark circumstances, no matter the race, politics, views or even the sins against us. In a sense, their black lives must matter.

Not everyone who undergoes trials is someone we personally know. We become their friends through actions of love.

Don’t you think these are worthy endeavors to expend our energy and time when everything around us feels so grim? Each of us has someone in our lives we can help today. What if we all followed that call? What difference could one person make if that person was you?

Lord, when we listen to your voice and become your children, nothing can separate us from your concern and care for our lives. Use us to help each other. Use us to be a blessing and to bring light to the darkness. Purify us in our trials and bring our souls completely to Jesus. Let nothing we go through be wasted or used for an excuse to harm or forsake. Help our circumstances to be our link to conversion to the One True God, our creator and friend. Teach us how to be good friends to those in need. In Jesus name, Amen.

Thriving in Contentment

Anger is cruel and fury overwhelming, but who can stand before jealousy? Prov. 27:4

Today, we add to our knowledge of thriving by learning to abstain from enslavement to one of the worst of our out-of-control emotions. Today we study jealousy.

Anger (covered in last week’s blog) is one of the emotions that generally parades around for all to see. Yet, jealousy is a quiet, stubborn parasite that exploits its host, benefiting itself (or the devil) in the process. It stirs up and spreads hidden toxic damage and is very hard to uproot. When these toxins finally present themselves, others find it difficult to stand before such powerful feelings. Jealousy never gives anything in return.

Jealousy isn’t generated by something from without but from within. It is a dreaded green-eyed creature that entirely takes over when a person entertains even a single grievance. Sad frustrations feed the monster as it grows considerably by the moment.

Perhaps such envy doesn’t become outwardly violent, but it can turn to passive-aggressive irritations and unkindness’s toward those begrudged.

We want something because someone else has it, therefore we nag or complain until we get our wishes. We put aside the purchases we need and use our resources to impulsively buy what we want. We throw away our own God-given talents in pursuit of qualities we see others possess.

What is it that we envy? We envy a person’s house, life, career, spouse, talents, popularity, gentleness, calmness or organization. However, if we were to list our topics of jealousy and then make a list of the qualities or possessions we already have, the list would reveal how well off we really are. Maybe it would open our eyes!

Envy is defined as a discontented or resentful longings, desires or grudges for someone else’s stuff, character, or luck and a deafness to our own current blessings and gifts.

The opposite of jealousy is contentment, generosity or a genuine happiness for other people’s achievements. We have a quiet peace that invades our souls instead of always grabbing for more.

Jealousy happens when a person improperly puts his attention (wants, desires, lust) more on an earthly thing than it should be. It is selfishly motivated, not others-centered. Jealousy takes up the entire mind in obsessive reverence for something that is not God. Instead of worship and praise, the person is worshiping himself or the things he is jealous for.

When I am feeding my jealousy, I cannot be in a state of worship to God. Likewise, when I am feeding my desire to worship, I cannot be in a state of jealousy.

In a state of reverential worship, my mind is submitted to what God wants me to do with what I have. There is no sense of lack. “The Lord is my Shepherd; I shall not want.” Psalm 23.

I asked my husband how he would define jealousy or envy. He felt that it was something born from insecurity. “I’m not good enough. I have to prove myself. The more I achieve or earn, the higher my value. Therefore, I exhaust myself, yearning for what others have or for what I perceive they have. I seek approval and end up giving up my power to others.“

My husband remarked how this dilemma is quite unsatisfying. Even if a person gets what he wants, the attainment is never enough.

The never enough dynamic is so true. A child fights for the toy the other child has, but when he finally gets a turn to play with the toy, he loses interest. It’s not the toy he wanted in the first place!

Envy happens when we want something so badly, we become blinded to how we treat people who get in our way. Sometimes, envy is easy to spot in ourselves. Just follow our irritations and they typically lead us to our jealousies.

Certainly, we may feel justified because of our circumstances. In the Bible, even God was righteously jealous for His people. Anger may be ‘righteous’ at times. However, jealousy must be released eventually, or it will ruin and destroy.

I have discovered a good test to see if what I’m feeling is acceptable or not. I ask myself, “Is this emotion taking me away or moving me closer to God?” Some emotions are led by God and are paving the way for His will. Other times, I must walk away from destructive emotions, such as jealousy.

Lord, rid me of envy. Renew my mind and help me to follow the qualities obtained in the fruit of your Holy Spirit (Gal. 5:22-23). Help me to adopt a right perspective of the things of this world. May I submit to your will and put on true humility and love. Instead of jealousy, teach me to wait on YOU. You provide for me and are all I need. When I receive a desired or hopeful gift, help me not to look at it as something I cling to in order to be happy. May I see it as something granted from your hand, your provision at just the right time. Give me contentment and a waiting, trustful hope, not a demanding spirit, but a letting go. When your gifts are given, may I learn how to soak them in without guilt at the pleasures you give and without discontent in future expectations. Help me to be in-the-moment inside my grateful praise to the Father, the Giver of all good things. Whether I feel needful or not, I am always filled with you. In Jesus name, Amen.

God Whispers (Anger Series 6th of 9)

As I study anger versus peace, the passage about Cain and Abel (Genesis 4:2-7) continues to provide great treasures for me to ponder. Consider how “Abel kept flocks,” and “Cain worked the soil.”  I noticed that each brother had his own unique giftedness. Yet, God seems to have given them clear instructions regarding worship and sacrifices. That’s why a few verses later God could have favor on one and not the other.

Similarly, you may have talents that I don’t have and vice versa, but we all must follow God’s way no matter how hard it stretches our personalities.

We equip ourselves, no matter who we are or think we are, to hear God more than enemy whispers. Last week in my blog, we imagined together what words might have been whispered in Cain’s ear by the enemy. What words would Satan have seductively and softly spoken to him regarding God’s ‘impossible’ requests and his own individuality?

The thought-life is an area that holds incredible secrets to curing anger. Might God have been whispering in Cain’s ear as well? Cain would have had to listen very closely in order to drown out the noise of the enemy.

Likewise, so do I. My mind must distinguish between what is true and false. When I choose Satan’s voice over the Father’s, my life doesn’t go very well.

Cain listened to the enemy and then was filled with rage when he discovered God’s disfavor. He acted like a spoiled child not getting the attention he wanted and not being chosen (as was Abel). Jealousy and selfishness reigned over his heart.

Stop for a minute and consider: I am human. I have days in which I fail to suitably handle much of anything. Not only am I not at my best, I’m at my worst. That doesn’t mean I’m acting like Cain by throwing a temper tantrum and disappointing God. It simply means I’m having a bad day. Everyone has bad days.

If you came to me and wanted to express the anger in your life, I would have great compassion for you. I would listen to your story and I cry with you. I would get angry along with you. And I hope you would do the same for me. Our stories need to be heard. I’m not writing this blog to judge and make robots of us all with no emotions. I am simply opening up the sky a little wider than it was before and helping to set us free. We’re all in this together. Sometimes talking through our anger with God and with safe people helps us to see things in a clearer light.

So, when I’m having a bad day, I warn my loved ones by telling them that I am out-of-sorts, and ask them to save the deeper discussions and decisions for another day. My loved ones do the same with me. It’s a kindness we give each other out of love. I can still be humble and learn from these days how to better handle them next time. But I try not to spend much time dwelling on anything except God’s grace and comfort. I don’t beat myself up and call myself a failure.

I have found that God brings comfort in so many ways if I make myself aware of his presence. These moments of reassurance don’t always come from the sources I would choose for myself, but God always provides for me.

Now, if these rare bad days turn into months and years, something isn’t right. That’s when I know I need to address the deeper issues. The bad day isn’t just about needing a nap or a break, but about my heart.

When I subconsciously choose the same path as Cain, what is my anger about? My anger always has a goal. I am looking to somebody or something on this earth to supply my needs. What am I looking for when I am angry?

Other people’s fear and compliance of my demands were mentioned last week, but let’s go a little further. Sometimes, I get angry because I seek attention, I desire sympathy, I want to stir up pity, or I long for some practical help in chores that should be shared.
Yet, when has my anger given back to me any of these benefits, ever?

In reality, anger tends to cause my counterpart to dig in his or her heels more than ever. Anger typically stirs up the opposite of kindness. Terrible words are spoken, because everyone tries to win the battle of loudest and smartest. When it all comes down to it, I wonder what good anger promotes.

I may tell others that I am ‘hurt,’ ‘frustrated’ or ‘irritated’ at that person. However, truth be told, I am angry, pure and simple.

If I could investigate the thoughts Jesus might have held onto, what whispers of God would He have continuously fed his mind and obediently heeded in order to keep himself from sinning in anger?
“I am God’s Son and He loves me.“
“My Father is good.“
“I cannot really trust anything or anyone on this earth, but I can trust God at all times.“
“God is enough.“

That’s why when Jesus did feel frustrated or angry, it was right and good. His motives were never self-seeking. His eyes were always on the Father’s will.

Anger isn’t a bad word. What can be labeled as bad are things that take up residence and come out of our heart of hearts.

During this study, I oftentimes remember letting loose of my anger, like a toddler happily splashing in a puddle. Yet, God wants to give me a glimpse of His vast blue ocean. In other words, being angry all the time is like being in a kiddy pool. I think I’m having fun stomping and playing in these trickling drips of water (anger can be invigoratingly empowering). Yet, God has more energizing waves, wise depths, beautiful sights, and abundant living than I can imagine as I find myself leaving the small puddle and heading in the direction of the deep blue sea.

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord.  “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts” (Isaiah 55:8-9).

All my life, I have learned nuggets of wisdom either directly or indirectly from a variety of people who have led me to the broader, wider seas of God and this wisdom frees my soul.

It’s the same with this study. Satan wants me to be angry. He wants me to think that perpetual, angry responses are normal. He wants to come inside my head and make me argue how right I am and how wrong the other person is. But God tells me that anger doesn’t have to be a part of everyday life. I realize that I don’t have to be addicted to anger and its poison. I can learn from Jesus when anger is appropriate and pure and right.

As I continue to absorb all I can to uproot selfish anger, I think to myself, “Wouldn’t it be nice if a beeper went off to warn me of upcoming anger. It would give me a chance to gather myself and pray about my response. I would become well-trained in ruling over my anger and in refusing sin from crouching at my door. I would keep anger from becoming my master. I would turn off the TV, put down my book, or get off the phone, so I could search my heart for sin.”

But it doesn’t work that way. God wants me to arm myself and stand in His word in the day of trouble. He wants me to spend time with Him and become like Him. He wants me to be so filled with His peace, that when anger catches me by surprise, I am able to respond well.

When do I feel most at peace?

I find myself calming down when I sit before God in the quiet and when I stop all the thoughts of the day. That’s when I have room to hear His loving whispers more than at any other time. Finding that place of stillness can become a habit even in the midst of great stress or trials.

Sometimes, however, I cannot seem to stop the onslaught of negative thinking. These moments are when I feel most angry. What do I do with my anger?

Do I stuff it, scream it or speak confrontation about it?

The answer is no to the first two. Whether or not I should speak up is between my God and me. What does He want me to do?

When my thoughts continue to cycle into negative stuff, I confess it to God. I know He hears me. I know He is for me. I purposefully head for the opposite of what my feelings dictate, and then I serve, laugh or bless. Soon, from past experience, I know that the overwhelming thoughts will stop. Satan’s attacks are never fun. But they do eventually come to an end.

I want God’s peace. So, I look for signs that anger is approaching.

For instance:
Loving touches become bothersome.
Complaints about stupid (nitpicky) stuff intensify.
Snapping at people over nothing increases.
There is more talk behind another person’s back (in other words, I’m not saying it to their face, therefore the feelings build up).

Currently, I am attempting to train myself to speak my anger out loud if the occasion calls for it, and then go on with my life without dwelling on the issue. This requires faith. This is my “Abel offering,” without which my offering is unacceptable.

Here are some examples of being direct and speaking up:
“That hurt my feelings.“
“I sure could use some help in here.“
“Could you say that in a kinder voice?“
“I wasn’t aware of your needs; next time, just tell me.“
“I don’t feel up to that today; maybe tomorrow.“

When my counterpart responds with an apology, or offers help, or the rain stops and I am able to go to my favorite event, or the food tastes better this time (in other words, when things go my way), and I still find myself agitated and irritable, that’s when I know it’s time to pull away and sit in the quiet with my Father.

Sometimes, there are some deeper anger issues that take time to heal; that’s okay. I give myself time and always work towards freeing myself of the bare, cold of bitterness.

The following paragraph includes Albert Barnes’ Commentary Notes but in my own words:

Abel had a warm faith that included confession of sin, gratitude for God’s mercy, and obedience to his will. Cain’s stance toward God was not one of faith but was bare and cold. There was no penitent returning to God, no humble acceptance of his mercy, and no submission to his will.

Albert Barnes goes on to say, “…there is a difference in the things offered. The one is a vegetable offering, the other an animal; the one a presentation of things without life, the other a sacrifice of life. Hence, the latter is called πλείων θυσία  pleiōn thusia; there is “more in it” than in the former. The two offerings are therefore expressive of the different kinds of faith in the offerers…The fruit of the soil offered to God is an acknowledgment that the means of this earthly life are due to him. This expresses the barren faith of Cain, but not the living faith of Abel. The latter has entered deeply into the thought that life itself is forfeited to God by transgression, and that only by an act of mercy can the Author of life restore it to the penitent, submissive, loving heart; He slays the animal of which he is the lawful owner, as a victim, thereby acknowledging that his life is due for sin; he offers the life of the animal, not as though it were of equal value with his own, but in token that another life, equivalent to his own, is due to justice if he is to go free by the as yet inscrutable mercy of God.”

Father, I listen in the quiet for your voice. I don’t want to be so shallow that the only way for me to have peace is for everything to go well. I want to learn to have peace (not anger) when everything isn’t going well! Help my offering today to have more in it than simply trying to give a half-hearted bare minimum. Help me to completely follow Jesus who gave His life for my sin. May my offering never require something in return from your hand. Give me a heart that acknowledges the nothing that is due to me, but I have everything I want in you Lord. I give to you wholeheartedly, my life and breath. In Jesus name, Amen.