Captured Heart

The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want. Psalm 23:1

Today’s blog will be unusual in that I express myself through poetry.

Recently, I began to feel a constant tug towards what I would call a spiritual desert, for purposes unknown to me. As I began my journey, I knew it would include an adventure away from everything.

Hours were spent in intense study, in fasting a few times and pouring over scripture. Much of my findings are in the last few blogs (beginning at the end of November). You’ll notice several references to desert terms such as ‘lack,’ ‘thirsty” and ‘starving.’

However, I was blindsided while preparing for my time away. My body got sick. I even wondered at this disruption if I would make it to my retreat. Armed with medicines and remedies, I decided to move forward.

When I arrived at my destination, the pain was manageable but still present enough to remind me for several days. I had purposed to go deeper into my tedious notes, but God had a different plan. Putting everything away, I sat in my ‘desert’ (now defined by my illness) and listened in the dark.

The thought came to me, could I agonize over my love for Him more than I agonize over the pain I was feeling in my body or over anything else, for that matter?

I heard the same question that Jesus (after His death on the cross) asked Peter, “Do you love me more than these?” The Greek word for love that Jesus had used was agape. This kind of love is unselfish, fervent and looks after the beloved’s interest. But Peter could only respond that he loved him with affection and fondness.

Much of my time was spent on scriptures about loving God. Yet, love didn’t seem enough to express what I was feeling. Love was part of it, but not quite there. The words that came to my mind, to name a few, were ‘ache,’ agony’ and ‘long for.’ These things I deeply desired for the Lord.

The awful pain brought on me five days before had become a springboard for the topic of my retreat, a retreat that was in this desert to which God had called me. All of my studies had prepared me for these moments. I was ready.

Here, close to the beginning of a new year, I look at Bible scripture and listen to spiritual songs in a whole different light, songs like “Behold Our God’ and “Holy Forever.”

The poem that follows now captures the essence of my reflections. I don’t pretend to be anywhere near where I need to be in this work of sweet agony. But the journey has begun, and here express the goal of my heart.

Pain Love Agony

Body sore, aching pain
Simply hard to move
Agonized, what a drain
Yet heart at peace, in tune
Agony is now mine
But there is so much more
Continuous refine
For my God I adore

Jesus, in perfect love
Suffered His awful cross
Is my agony above
My pain and my loss
Selfless love is an ocean
Of serving and doing
Agony is emotion
Births love worth pursuing

But when feelings are weary
In agonizing love
I still give dearly
Love’s humble work gets done
Agony, my mentor
Points me to agonize
Over less or on more
For anguish of Christ I arise

Active love lets Him in
Profoundly changed and free
With no hesitation
He shifts His plans for me
True love turns to obey
The dear Master in full
It means I humbly pray
And serve His precious people

Pure love means to suffer
Sacrifice, loss, to cry
Life becomes much tougher
Yet, to all ‘lack’ I die
I have said this before
That when I lack a thing
Is when I run toward
And meet God my King

But oh the blessed yet
When ‘I’ lack true love for God
He runs to me, heart set
Quelling MY lack so broad
Feelings of agony
I take in, bow, am awed
Patient humility
Making room for only God

I agonize to express
A heart of pure content
I agonize how I am blessed
Of worry cast on Him
Other sadness and pain
Other hurt is still there
Yet agony is my gain
For Jesus Christ I bear

Faithful love for the Lord
Comes in by His Spirit
Fragrant fruit out-poured
I freely permit it
Glad love is effusive
All one’s heart soul and might
Unending, adaptive
Incorruptible light

In ‘Desert’ heat or night’s cold
My pain is felt the most
Tempting me to withhold
And to forget love’s boast
Tempted like a scolding
To assume and ponder,
“God, you are withholding
To forget and wander”

Yet filled with SO much love
And lavish fervency
In tears I face above
Alone in desert heat
My faith grows new and bright
More than the scorching sun
I’m rising to love’s flight
AGONY just begun

Severe ache, all for God
Often small at first
Affectionate and fond
Then I long, cry and thirst
In time it blooms and grows
Love divine in wonder
More earnestly it flows
My mind on no other

Ache, a longing so fervent
Takes over entirely
Even in pain and lament
Christ has my agony
I look for Him and cling
Don’t ever let me go
My entire heart I bring
Above all pain I know

Yearning, I agonize
My love passionate and pure
And the pain of over-size
Fades in noble measure
I sorely ache for Him most
Wearing these desert clothes
Baptized into love so close
My fervor overflows

In the end, I thank Him
For the love, pain and loss
For agony, my friend
Has led me to the cross
Love’s struggles never cease
Oh God, such cruel wrestling
All for His victory, for peace
Captures my heart’s longing