Captured Heart

The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want. Psalm 23:1

Today’s blog will be unusual in that I express myself through poetry.

Recently, I began to feel a constant tug towards what I would call a spiritual desert, for purposes unknown to me. As I began my journey, I knew it would include an adventure away from everything.

Hours were spent in intense study, in fasting a few times and pouring over scripture. Much of my findings are in the last few blogs (beginning at the end of November). You’ll notice several references to desert terms such as ‘lack,’ ‘thirsty” and ‘starving.’

However, I was blindsided while preparing for my time away. My body got sick. I even wondered at this disruption if I would make it to my retreat. Armed with medicines and remedies, I decided to move forward.

When I arrived at my destination, the pain was manageable but still present enough to remind me for several days. I had purposed to go deeper into my tedious notes, but God had a different plan. Putting everything away, I sat in my ‘desert’ (now defined by my illness) and listened in the dark.

The thought came to me, could I agonize over my love for Him more than I agonize over the pain I was feeling in my body or over anything else, for that matter?

I heard the same question that Jesus (after His death on the cross) asked Peter, “Do you love me more than these?” The Greek word for love that Jesus had used was agape. This kind of love is unselfish, fervent and looks after the beloved’s interest. But Peter could only respond that he loved him with affection and fondness.

Much of my time was spent on scriptures about loving God. Yet, love didn’t seem enough to express what I was feeling. Love was part of it, but not quite there. The words that came to my mind, to name a few, were ‘ache,’ agony’ and ‘long for.’ These things I deeply desired for the Lord.

The awful pain brought on me five days before had become a springboard for the topic of my retreat, a retreat that was in this desert to which God had called me. All of my studies had prepared me for these moments. I was ready.

Here, close to the beginning of a new year, I look at Bible scripture and listen to spiritual songs in a whole different light, songs like “Behold Our God’ and “Holy Forever.”

The poem that follows now captures the essence of my reflections. I don’t pretend to be anywhere near where I need to be in this work of sweet agony. But the journey has begun, and here express the goal of my heart.

Pain Love Agony

Body sore, aching pain
Simply hard to move
Agonized, what a drain
Yet heart at peace, in tune
Agony is now mine
But there is so much more
Continuous refine
For my God I adore

Jesus, in perfect love
Suffered His awful cross
Is my agony above
My pain and my loss
Selfless love is an ocean
Of serving and doing
Agony is emotion
Births love worth pursuing

But when feelings are weary
In agonizing love
I still give dearly
Love’s humble work gets done
Agony, my mentor
Points me to agonize
Over less or on more
For anguish of Christ I arise

Active love lets Him in
Profoundly changed and free
With no hesitation
He shifts His plans for me
True love turns to obey
The dear Master in full
It means I humbly pray
And serve His precious people

Pure love means to suffer
Sacrifice, loss, to cry
Life becomes much tougher
Yet, to all ‘lack’ I die
I have said this before
That when I lack a thing
Is when I run toward
And meet God my King

But oh the blessed yet
When ‘I’ lack true love for God
He runs to me, heart set
Quelling MY lack so broad
Feelings of agony
I take in, bow, am awed
Patient humility
Making room for only God

I agonize to express
A heart of pure content
I agonize how I am blessed
Of worry cast on Him
Other sadness and pain
Other hurt is still there
Yet agony is my gain
For Jesus Christ I bear

Faithful love for the Lord
Comes in by His Spirit
Fragrant fruit out-poured
I freely permit it
Glad love is effusive
All one’s heart soul and might
Unending, adaptive
Incorruptible light

In ‘Desert’ heat or night’s cold
My pain is felt the most
Tempting me to withhold
And to forget love’s boast
Tempted like a scolding
To assume and ponder,
“God, you are withholding
To forget and wander”

Yet filled with SO much love
And lavish fervency
In tears I face above
Alone in desert heat
My faith grows new and bright
More than the scorching sun
I’m rising to love’s flight
AGONY just begun

Severe ache, all for God
Often small at first
Affectionate and fond
Then I long, cry and thirst
In time it blooms and grows
Love divine in wonder
More earnestly it flows
My mind on no other

Ache, a longing so fervent
Takes over entirely
Even in pain and lament
Christ has my agony
I look for Him and cling
Don’t ever let me go
My entire heart I bring
Above all pain I know

Yearning, I agonize
My love passionate and pure
And the pain of over-size
Fades in noble measure
I sorely ache for Him most
Wearing these desert clothes
Baptized into love so close
My fervor overflows

In the end, I thank Him
For the love, pain and loss
For agony, my friend
Has led me to the cross
Love’s struggles never cease
Oh God, such cruel wrestling
All for His victory, for peace
Captures my heart’s longing

Satan’s Best God’s Best (Discernment Series #8)

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Eph. 6:12

Last week, we ended our study discussing the times we have prepared and thought through our decisions, but we still don’t know what to do. We learned how standing still and firm and waiting on God is wise.

In addition, we become aware of the possibility that for some decisions, we may be under attack from the enemy of God. Maybe the confusion in our hearts isn’t necessarily about the situation we think we need to figure out as much as a fight with the principalities of darkness as seen in today’s verse.

For a moment, take a closer look at what happened to Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane (Luke 22:39-46).

When Jesus was on His face before the Father, begging God to take away the cross and find another way, He was in agony, maybe because of the imagined pain and torture that was to come or perhaps because He because He would be separated from His Father when He was made sin.

If we go back to the three temptations of Jesus in Matthew 4, we learn from Jesus that quoting scripture was a useful tactic against Satan. And, indeed, the devil left for a more opportune time!

Were the awful moments Jesus spent in the garden the more opportune time? Was Jesus not only dealing with His human emotions of anguish but also with the BEST Satan had to offer! After all, Jesus was about to obey His Father and choose death on a cross in order to save the world. He was on the right track.

Jesus profoundly felt what we feel today in our hardest trials and in our obedience when we’re on the right track. He was not only betrayed by one of His own men, He was abandoned by His disciples who fell asleep when He needed them. He knew the suffering that was coming. There was much spiritual warfare! Jesus didn’t want to go through with this call, and He was battling Satan. Yet, when all was said and done, Jesus got up from His lonely, agonizing prayers and boldly went to the cross. Somewhere in that span of time, Jesus made the decision to follow His Father’s will, which was His Father’s Best!

We tend to make our decisions from our negative emotions and even from our well-meaning wills. We scurry and fill the space with noise (which does nothing for the Father or His Kingdom).

But wait, I must remember that God has me. I turn to Him! I am His vessel. I stick close to God and choose self-control. I must sacrifice my will and go forward in the deepest places of my soul, even when Satan is putting his (heavy) best on my back.

I freeze in place, so to speak, as, once again, I hear God’s voice, “I need you here!” No matter what is going on in the confusion of my heart, I step forward and obey. He will help me fulfill His command or He will help me be still and wait. Either way, following God and His best is my desire.

Another point about the mystery of what to do in times of unsureness is to learn the wisdom of not being too hasty in making a decision. Think about the following truths the next time you are tempted to rush into a choice.

All through the years of walking with Jesus, Judas had been greedy for money, and here at the end of Jesus’ time on earth, the Bible says that Judas had the influence of Satan in his heart to move him to betray the Christ. Part of me wonders why Judas seemed genuinely perplexed after his deed was done, that the guards took his Lord to court to intentionally kill him. Did he wonder why this was happening? The fact that Judas hung himself makes me think that maybe he was regretful of what he had done, but could he also have been in shock?

Is it possible that he acted in haste to bring about his own perspective of the Kingdom of God? Perhaps, he thought he could force Jesus into taking His authority on earth, now!

Maybe all of this was going on in his mind and maybe not. But, how different is that possibility than when we try to force God to do our will in a hurried rush to make our decisions?

If Judas had lived on, he would have seen the beautiful, beyond-this-world kingdom, that Jesus so magnificently brought about thought His death. God’s will (His best) was Jesus’ sacrifice on a cross so the whole world could have eternal life.

When I am seeking God’s will, yet am having to wait on His timing in my decisions, I look for a ‘cross’ and a resurrection. For example, instead of believing the lie that I have to yell at people to get my point across (which is an intentional decision), how about putting to death my flesh and letting Jesus shine to the world through my smile and goodwill and through my kind, but firm words expressing the truths of my heart, spoken in love.

The cross in me says I will have moments or seasons of sacrifice. The resurrection in me speaks of new birth and new capabilities to soar on eagles wings with my Father’s strength.

Hopefully, my decisions will not be made in haste (just because I’m tired of waiting for an answer from God). The resurrection will work in me as I come to Him in prayer, and because I trust that God knows what my future holds. He knows what He wants me to do.

Here are the additions to the Discernment Wheel from last week (a few were added last week by accident):

*Stand firm
*Be still
*Rejoice always
*Pray constantly
*Give thanks in everything

Father, when the enemy is near, keep me close to your heart and help me to fix my gaze on you. When I still don’t know what to do, help me not to rush into my decisions, but remain peaceful in your presence. May your will be done in my life. In Jesus’ name, Amen.