Captured Heart

The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want. Psalm 23:1

Today’s blog will be unusual in that I express myself through poetry.

Recently, I began to feel a constant tug towards what I would call a spiritual desert, for purposes unknown to me. As I began my journey, I knew it would include an adventure away from everything.

Hours were spent in intense study, in fasting a few times and pouring over scripture. Much of my findings are in the last few blogs (beginning at the end of November). You’ll notice several references to desert terms such as ‘lack,’ ‘thirsty” and ‘starving.’

However, I was blindsided while preparing for my time away. My body got sick. I even wondered at this disruption if I would make it to my retreat. Armed with medicines and remedies, I decided to move forward.

When I arrived at my destination, the pain was manageable but still present enough to remind me for several days. I had purposed to go deeper into my tedious notes, but God had a different plan. Putting everything away, I sat in my ‘desert’ (now defined by my illness) and listened in the dark.

The thought came to me, could I agonize over my love for Him more than I agonize over the pain I was feeling in my body or over anything else, for that matter?

I heard the same question that Jesus (after His death on the cross) asked Peter, “Do you love me more than these?” The Greek word for love that Jesus had used was agape. This kind of love is unselfish, fervent and looks after the beloved’s interest. But Peter could only respond that he loved him with affection and fondness.

Much of my time was spent on scriptures about loving God. Yet, love didn’t seem enough to express what I was feeling. Love was part of it, but not quite there. The words that came to my mind, to name a few, were ‘ache,’ agony’ and ‘long for.’ These things I deeply desired for the Lord.

The awful pain brought on me five days before had become a springboard for the topic of my retreat, a retreat that was in this desert to which God had called me. All of my studies had prepared me for these moments. I was ready.

Here, close to the beginning of a new year, I look at Bible scripture and listen to spiritual songs in a whole different light, songs like “Behold Our God’ and “Holy Forever.”

The poem that follows now captures the essence of my reflections. I don’t pretend to be anywhere near where I need to be in this work of sweet agony. But the journey has begun, and here express the goal of my heart.

Pain Love Agony

Body sore, aching pain
Simply hard to move
Agonized, what a drain
Yet heart at peace, in tune
Agony is now mine
But there is so much more
Continuous refine
For my God I adore

Jesus, in perfect love
Suffered His awful cross
Is my agony above
My pain and my loss
Selfless love is an ocean
Of serving and doing
Agony is emotion
Births love worth pursuing

But when feelings are weary
In agonizing love
I still give dearly
Love’s humble work gets done
Agony, my mentor
Points me to agonize
Over less or on more
For anguish of Christ I arise

Active love lets Him in
Profoundly changed and free
With no hesitation
He shifts His plans for me
True love turns to obey
The dear Master in full
It means I humbly pray
And serve His precious people

Pure love means to suffer
Sacrifice, loss, to cry
Life becomes much tougher
Yet, to all ‘lack’ I die
I have said this before
That when I lack a thing
Is when I run toward
And meet God my King

But oh the blessed yet
When ‘I’ lack true love for God
He runs to me, heart set
Quelling MY lack so broad
Feelings of agony
I take in, bow, am awed
Patient humility
Making room for only God

I agonize to express
A heart of pure content
I agonize how I am blessed
Of worry cast on Him
Other sadness and pain
Other hurt is still there
Yet agony is my gain
For Jesus Christ I bear

Faithful love for the Lord
Comes in by His Spirit
Fragrant fruit out-poured
I freely permit it
Glad love is effusive
All one’s heart soul and might
Unending, adaptive
Incorruptible light

In ‘Desert’ heat or night’s cold
My pain is felt the most
Tempting me to withhold
And to forget love’s boast
Tempted like a scolding
To assume and ponder,
“God, you are withholding
To forget and wander”

Yet filled with SO much love
And lavish fervency
In tears I face above
Alone in desert heat
My faith grows new and bright
More than the scorching sun
I’m rising to love’s flight
AGONY just begun

Severe ache, all for God
Often small at first
Affectionate and fond
Then I long, cry and thirst
In time it blooms and grows
Love divine in wonder
More earnestly it flows
My mind on no other

Ache, a longing so fervent
Takes over entirely
Even in pain and lament
Christ has my agony
I look for Him and cling
Don’t ever let me go
My entire heart I bring
Above all pain I know

Yearning, I agonize
My love passionate and pure
And the pain of over-size
Fades in noble measure
I sorely ache for Him most
Wearing these desert clothes
Baptized into love so close
My fervor overflows

In the end, I thank Him
For the love, pain and loss
For agony, my friend
Has led me to the cross
Love’s struggles never cease
Oh God, such cruel wrestling
All for His victory, for peace
Captures my heart’s longing

Running Toward ‘Lack’

Moses’ father-in-law replied, “What you are doing is not good. You and these people who come to you will only wear yourselves out. The work is too heavy for you; you cannot handle it alone. Listen now to me and I will give you some advice, and may God be with you. Exodus 18:17-19

Jethro was Moses’ father-in-law who had an opportunity to observe the work Moses did from morning until evening. When Jethro saw the load Moses carried, He said to him, “What is this you are doing?”

Moses explained that the people wanted to seek God’s will. Their disputes were brought before him, and he would give them God’s instructions.

Jethro disagreed with this strategy and in today’s reading warned Moses that he would become worn out with the burden, for he was trying to carry everything on his shoulders.

Sometimes, we do that.

In the desert, the children of Israel had been going through a process of learning to leave the ‘burdens’ of all else in order to want God more. They had been tested for days without food and water so that they would hunger and thirst for Him.

Nothing on this earth holds more importance than our desire for the Lord. Even our thought life can become a hindrance (too heavy for us to carry) or a blessing towards our goal to know Him better.

Last week, my blog was about the Israelites accusing God of starving them. I made the point that perhaps desiring Him more starts when things are stripped from our lives. It’s as if God is removing the heaviness of the props we think are holding us up, all the things that make us temporarily happy. He’s also removing the burdens of bad habits, rough edges and any distrust we have of Him. He’s removing our exhausting prison bars of staying stuck in one place and our infantile responses to hardships. We begin to lose the need to cling to something visible and gain faith in this beautiful Father of ours…who carries us.

Israel had said that God was starving them to death. If that was so, for what reason? Was it perhaps a death to all this earth had for them…in order for God to bless, sanctify, grow, release and free them. He wanted them to soar, to have joy and peace and to bless others on the journey.

Now, here is my focus for today: our home on this short stay on earth presents us with needs and wants (needs are a must, wants are not). We can do without needs for a few days, but not much longer. Wants make our souls ache while we wait on them, fight for them, pursue them, but we can live without them.

So, I got to thinking, Jethro told Moses, “This work is too heavy for you. You will wear yourself out. You cannot handle it alone.”

All of this advice applies to my wants. They are too heavy for me to carry. I will continue to ask for and pursue them because they are nice to have. But when the wants are refused or not provided for me, what then? Do I cling to them as if I am entitled? How much time do I spend defending my wants?

Holding up my wants is exhausting.

Jethro gave Moses the advice to delegate his work to faithful men. I’ve decided to delegate my unmet wants to God.

I close my eyes and picture myself in a true desert, hot and dry. I ask, what wants are met in this arid place? Probably not very many. What do I feel, taste, see, smell and hear while I’m in my desert? The one thing I know is that I am free to be with God, alone, with no distractions. I am His and He is mine.

I open my eyes and remember all the ‘wants’ I get to keep! in my life, because, after all, I’m not really in the desert. I have the comfort of my home, the delicious food and water and the cool breeze outside. And I am thankful for such bounty. Even any ‘lack’ no longer feels burdensome.

Sometimes, I feel like I hold the world on my shoulders, trying to run the whole thing. But Jesus says to come away with Him and rest. It’s good to let some of these things go and then focus on the work I can do. It’s good not to let my wants dictate to me how I spend my day with God.

I may ask Him for this or that. Then, as I let these go, I relax my heart and enjoy myself. I get creative with what I don’t have and find a way to peace.

“The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing…He makes me to lie down, he leads me, he refreshes my soul, He guides me…” Psalm 23:1

I mentally run to my desert to be with God, and I begin to wonder if there is wisdom in running towards my lack (of unmet wants). What if I allowed my wants to gradually decrease on purpose in order to have the energy and time it takes to address the reality of my lacks. What if my lacks are the point of my life, and I must come to terms with them as if they were my desert (the place I meet my beautiful God), a place of benefit and treasures.

Here’s an example: I WANT to have quiet time during the day to do my work. It comforts me and reinvigorates my soul. But I have all sorts of “interruptions.” Sometimes, these delays to my wants, these ‘lacks,’ irritate and bother me. I want what I want when I want it!

However, “stop a minute,” I say to myself, “run towards the interruptions and see them as my chance to be with God.” So I do (not always, but more and more). And I’m finding such treasure. When that need is fulfilled, the Lord (not always, but sometimes) opens up all sorts of opportunities to get my work done in the quiet that I had wanted in the first place. It’s amazing!!

Father, in my spiritual desert, there is more than meets the eye, for in the end what stands before me is your clear, blue ocean waiting just for me and there is always treasures to find here and now. Help me to run to the Shepherd in whom I feel no want or lack. Thank you for the beautiful gifts you give even though they are not what I thought I wanted… until now. I worship you in this desert. In Jesus name, Amen.

Perfect Imperfection

Death and Destruction are never satisfied, and neither are human eyes. Prov. 27:20

Last week, I was surveying our acre lot. I took in the view of the yard, the driveway, porch and outer areas of the house. I acknowledged within me that there seems always and forever to be something about our property that needs to be weeded, mended or repaired. But not everything can be fixed within my time frame. I like to have the garden trimmed, grass mowed and unsightly driveway stains power-washed and sealed annually. I prefer to have the rotten or moldy wood-trim repaired and painted. It’s part of my job as manager of our house to maintain its needs. However, there comes a point when either there is too much going on that the jobs began to accumulate or the projects are too expensive to tackle until the passing of another season.

My eyes see the imperfections and something inside me feels out-of-balance and dissatisfied. I want it fixed, now!

As I stood there, recognizing my restlessness, I looked up to Jesus and asked, “What should I do with my heart to find satisfaction and wholeness beyond the deterioration my eyes see?” Making myself relax and review the scene again, I wanted this time to see beauty (perfection) in the imperfections. I sought the imbalance, in order to train myself to be content within its reality. My eyes turned upwards to the Lord to be satisfied in Him alone and at peace with what His hand had provided for the moment.

You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast because they trust in you. Isaiah 26:3

The Lord is perfect. He has no defect or flaw. I can be restful in His presence unlike anything this earth can offer.

According to today’s verse, the snuffing out of life or the ruin of people and things is never-ending, always happening. There is no conclusion to the thirst and hunger of the grave and of the evil of destruction.

There is also no end to the desires of the human heart that are made known through the organ of my eyes. I see something I want, I get it, and then I see something else and give into that want. The objects of my desires never seem to be enough.

The hunger of the eyes is simply another form of gluttony and is compared in verse 20 to the insatiable nature of death.

My eyes look to my iPhone for something it cannot give. I long for the television, for food or my perfect lawn to soothe something in me that only God can soothe. I have an ache in my soul for things in which life has given me the opposite. My desires haunt my waking hours. I am discontent to have more of what I cannot have.

My eyes want what is unattainable. If I were somehow to attain these longings, another want would inevitably take its place. Prosperity cannot rest easy in the human soul, because that soul will always feel the poverty of something else to need for life to be worth living.

However, my eyes (or, the desires of my heart) can be trained to want what is good, to crave what can bring true prosperity of spirit and satisfaction of mind, and that is the Lord Jesus Christ.

I have been studying my life-purpose and seeking God’s will for how I should spend my precious hours. The reality of earth’s lure is strong and tempting. One of my biggest distractions is my iPhone. I’m not even talking about texts and phone calls. I’m referring to the hunger for something “out there” to meet the deep needs of my heart.

I’ve tried different things like: setting my phone in another room at night and removing my Facebook app. But it doesn’t seem to take care of the problem of grabbing my phone 1000 times a day.

Finally, I sat myself down for an extended period of focused time and asked God to give me a plan of attack.

Usually when you name the problem, that’s half the battle. Next, coming up with a strategy to topple the giant in your life generally sets you on a better, more successful path.

So I ask myself: Do I really need to check the weather or calendar (and so on) right now? Can I do without it and continue diligently working on the tasks before me?

Another idea is to find contentment in living in the moment and being there for the people I’m with. I can also find satisfaction in God’s current provision of Himself and His supply for my true needs.

I could get rid of my phone and be done with it, but the benefits it provides far outweigh the problems. Instead, I have given myself guidelines to follow and not remain unaware anymore of its hold on me. It is definitely a habit worth breaking.

We all have things our eyes long and hope for and turn to for solace when we should be turning our minds eye to the Lord Himself and to the tasks He calls us to, without becoming so easily distracted. Truly, I can want Him with no limits! What a wonderful thought.

The iPhone example is simply a way to combat one kind of earthly hunger. I’m sure we can think of more cravings on our part and more ways to become creative in addressing their hold on us.

If we don’t, what will we miss in God’s kingdom and in our lives?

Here is a song to listen to:

Father, you are my greatest focus, my peace on earth. My eyes are drawn to the heavens where you dwell. I seek you and hunger for you day and night. There is nothing like you on earth. My heart longs for your presence and your glory to surround me and all my loved ones. Keep my eyes fixed on you. May the cravings of my heart be taught to turn to you as I thrive on you alone for my satisfaction and wholeness. In Jesus name, Amen.