Self-Restraint

A quarrelsome wife is like the dripping of a leaky roof in a rainstorm; restraining her is like restraining the wind or grasping oil with the hand. Proverbs 27:15-16

The woman in today’s verse couldn’t let go of whatever issue was on her mind. She expressed herself, and her husband seems to have had some hesitancy about her complaints. Instead of listening to him, she quarreled, and as a leaky roof would do, she kept on and on and on. Her nagging caused her husband to want to run away and hide. It caused him grief.

Leaks are one of my worst hated trials. I cannot stand it if my house is leaking. We’ve been dealing with two leaks for four months now. We even put buckets up in the attic while waiting on roofers to have time for us. How annoying it’s been to know that the leaks could cause even more damage to the inside of our sweet home. Every time it rained hard, I wondered about it and cringed.

This is how difficult it is on a husband when his wife continually harps on an issue. He can’t even get away because she is like a leaky storm. He is forced to stay in the shelter of his home and endure.

Anyone who observes the couple would feel uncomfortable and exhausted. The wife affects the mood of her husband, kids and the poor onlookers.

In contrast, how would the woman behave if she were to make better choices? She would choose self-restraint and not be so easily offended. She would be flexible and willing to try her husband’s ideas instead of always thinking hers are the best. She would not be a proud person, but humble enough to bend with the wind. She might vocally disagree with her husband and express herself (once is enough), but self-discipline and trust would help her to truly give the situation to God. At this point, she would be well-thought-of by him, and over the years he would eventually come to her seeking for wisdom.

Remember Eve? She was the first wife after God created the whole world. Eve was swayed by the serpent and then badgered her husband into following her into the most regrettable decision of all time (Later, when God approached him, Adam blamed Eve for this terrible sin).

Eve’s mistake keeps me on my toes. Just because I think an idea is a good one or even the best choice, that doesn’t make it right. In fact, I must be very careful when I attempt to talk my husband into anything. I must pray about it and listen to his cautions when he warns me about the flaws of my argument instead of speaking constant disapproval of him and his opinions.

There are more ways than just words that can make a husband feel like his wife is incessantly quarreling: her body language, sighs, sadness, depression from unanswered prayers, spurts of over-irritation or anger. The fight in her still comes out even when she isn’t vocalizing it.

Restraining her is like restraining the wind.

One of the last visits I had at my mother’s home was when we headed to the beach on a cold February’s day. I love the ocean and wanted to soak in every moment I could of white sea gulls, salty air and sand between my toes. But, no matter which way we turned our faces were slapped by the harsh wind. We were miserable even in our feeble attempts to ward off the wind with warm coats and heavy scarves.

That cold wind can be likened to be the person who just keeps on coming back with arguments and scolding. Try to grasp something by hand that has oil on it; that is what it is like to try to restrain this woman. The endeavor is utterly hopeless.

Within a few years after I got married, my husband and I were living in a little, old home, and I had such grand ideas for the kitchen. I approached my husband who was weary from his hard working job and honestly didn’t want to have these conversations. But I kept at him. Within a few weeks something eerie began to happen. My phone (we had a landline with no caller ID at the time) would ring almost daily, and the voice on the other end was a disturbed strange man who spoke in a way that terrified me. I finally learned to take the phone off the hook for hours. For a few weeks, my husband was working extra jobs at night, and I was very alone and vulnerable (with two small children) during this time, and trembling with fear.

One of those nights, it dawned on me to pray to God about these disturbing calls. I prayed for safety and wisdom to know what to do. During those tearful moments my heart grew soft, and I began to have room in my head to think about the way I was treating my husband about my silly kitchen plans. A new thought came to me. Let the old plans go and work on sprucing up my kitchen on my own without bothering my sweet man.

Then another eerie thing happened; the phone calls stopped. That horrible man never called back again. And I went about my life more happy than before. I can’t explain what happened and why. All I know is that, today, after 41 years of marriage, I have never forgotten that lesson.

Father, help me to be a kindhearted, loving wife. Give me a sense of proper timing to bring up sensitive topics, and then give me sense to leave the conversation if it becomes dishonorable and disruptive in any way. Teach me what is most important in my marriage. Help me never to be known as a quarrelsome wife who drips like a leaky roof, but to show genuine self-restraint. Show me how to run to you in prayer when things are difficult, to allow my heart to be softened and to lean on you for my every need. In Jesus name, Amen.

Thriving in Contentment

Anger is cruel and fury overwhelming, but who can stand before jealousy? Prov. 27:4

Today, we add to our knowledge of thriving by learning to abstain from enslavement to one of the worst of our out-of-control emotions. Today we study jealousy.

Anger (covered in last week’s blog) is one of the emotions that generally parades around for all to see. Yet, jealousy is a quiet, stubborn parasite that exploits its host, benefiting itself (or the devil) in the process. It stirs up and spreads hidden toxic damage and is very hard to uproot. When these toxins finally present themselves, others find it difficult to stand before such powerful feelings. Jealousy never gives anything in return.

Jealousy isn’t generated by something from without but from within. It is a dreaded green-eyed creature that entirely takes over when a person entertains even a single grievance. Sad frustrations feed the monster as it grows considerably by the moment.

Perhaps such envy doesn’t become outwardly violent, but it can turn to passive-aggressive irritations and unkindness’s toward those begrudged.

We want something because someone else has it, therefore we nag or complain until we get our wishes. We put aside the purchases we need and use our resources to impulsively buy what we want. We throw away our own God-given talents in pursuit of qualities we see others possess.

What is it that we envy? We envy a person’s house, life, career, spouse, talents, popularity, gentleness, calmness or organization. However, if we were to list our topics of jealousy and then make a list of the qualities or possessions we already have, the list would reveal how well off we really are. Maybe it would open our eyes!

Envy is defined as a discontented or resentful longings, desires or grudges for someone else’s stuff, character, or luck and a deafness to our own current blessings and gifts.

The opposite of jealousy is contentment, generosity or a genuine happiness for other people’s achievements. We have a quiet peace that invades our souls instead of always grabbing for more.

Jealousy happens when a person improperly puts his attention (wants, desires, lust) more on an earthly thing than it should be. It is selfishly motivated, not others-centered. Jealousy takes up the entire mind in obsessive reverence for something that is not God. Instead of worship and praise, the person is worshiping himself or the things he is jealous for.

When I am feeding my jealousy, I cannot be in a state of worship to God. Likewise, when I am feeding my desire to worship, I cannot be in a state of jealousy.

In a state of reverential worship, my mind is submitted to what God wants me to do with what I have. There is no sense of lack. “The Lord is my Shepherd; I shall not want.” Psalm 23.

I asked my husband how he would define jealousy or envy. He felt that it was something born from insecurity. “I’m not good enough. I have to prove myself. The more I achieve or earn, the higher my value. Therefore, I exhaust myself, yearning for what others have or for what I perceive they have. I seek approval and end up giving up my power to others.“

My husband remarked how this dilemma is quite unsatisfying. Even if a person gets what he wants, the attainment is never enough.

The never enough dynamic is so true. A child fights for the toy the other child has, but when he finally gets a turn to play with the toy, he loses interest. It’s not the toy he wanted in the first place!

Envy happens when we want something so badly, we become blinded to how we treat people who get in our way. Sometimes, envy is easy to spot in ourselves. Just follow our irritations and they typically lead us to our jealousies.

Certainly, we may feel justified because of our circumstances. In the Bible, even God was righteously jealous for His people. Anger may be ‘righteous’ at times. However, jealousy must be released eventually, or it will ruin and destroy.

I have discovered a good test to see if what I’m feeling is acceptable or not. I ask myself, “Is this emotion taking me away or moving me closer to God?” Some emotions are led by God and are paving the way for His will. Other times, I must walk away from destructive emotions, such as jealousy.

Lord, rid me of envy. Renew my mind and help me to follow the qualities obtained in the fruit of your Holy Spirit (Gal. 5:22-23). Help me to adopt a right perspective of the things of this world. May I submit to your will and put on true humility and love. Instead of jealousy, teach me to wait on YOU. You provide for me and are all I need. When I receive a desired or hopeful gift, help me not to look at it as something I cling to in order to be happy. May I see it as something granted from your hand, your provision at just the right time. Give me contentment and a waiting, trustful hope, not a demanding spirit, but a letting go. When your gifts are given, may I learn how to soak them in without guilt at the pleasures you give and without discontent in future expectations. Help me to be in-the-moment inside my grateful praise to the Father, the Giver of all good things. Whether I feel needful or not, I am always filled with you. In Jesus name, Amen.

Spread Joy

The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down. Proverbs 14:1

To simplify, it is wise to build others up and foolish to tear them down.

Proverbs 14:1 is narrowed to women, but the verse can apply to men and women alike.

There are many ways to “tear the house down.” It’s not just about complaining and nagging. It can also be about focusing too much on self, my plans, feelings, illness or health problems.

How does one change from being destructive to creatively weaving together habits of good, positive and wise ways that help to spread joy.

I have found that the energy for good can come from making choices to simply get up and get busy doing kind deeds and serving others. I am more apt to build others up when I allow my mind to stop dwelling so much on self and my own need for help.

Another way to build good things is by feeding my mind pleasant thoughts. I do this by reading my Bible, along with other books that train me to strengthen whatever is weak inside me (things like finances, marriage, parenting or diet). Listening to inspiring happy music touches and energizes me to do good.

As a wife, I feed my mind with noble thoughts about my husband. I try not to second-guess his motives. I try to be in the moment, not 1000 miles away, and I don’t let distractions take me away from him.

In these ways, I have set a solid foundation to construct a strong building of love, of hope and goodwill.

Father, teach me more every day about how I can be a better builder for your kingdom. I’m sorry for the times I’ve torn people down and have spread darkness instead of light. Show me every day how to encourage, inspire and teach (by example). Make me into a peacemaker who spreads joy to a starving unhappy world. I want to build up and not tear down. Give me wisdom for this most holy task. In Jesus name, Amen.