Self-Restraint

A quarrelsome wife is like the dripping of a leaky roof in a rainstorm; restraining her is like restraining the wind or grasping oil with the hand. Proverbs 27:15-16

The woman in today’s verse couldn’t let go of whatever issue was on her mind. She expressed herself, and her husband seems to have had some hesitancy about her complaints. Instead of listening to him, she quarreled, and as a leaky roof would do, she kept on and on and on. Her nagging caused her husband to want to run away and hide. It caused him grief.

Leaks are one of my worst hated trials. I cannot stand it if my house is leaking. We’ve been dealing with two leaks for four months now. We even put buckets up in the attic while waiting on roofers to have time for us. How annoying it’s been to know that the leaks could cause even more damage to the inside of our sweet home. Every time it rained hard, I wondered about it and cringed.

This is how difficult it is on a husband when his wife continually harps on an issue. He can’t even get away because she is like a leaky storm. He is forced to stay in the shelter of his home and endure.

Anyone who observes the couple would feel uncomfortable and exhausted. The wife affects the mood of her husband, kids and the poor onlookers.

In contrast, how would the woman behave if she were to make better choices? She would choose self-restraint and not be so easily offended. She would be flexible and willing to try her husband’s ideas instead of always thinking hers are the best. She would not be a proud person, but humble enough to bend with the wind. She might vocally disagree with her husband and express herself (once is enough), but self-discipline and trust would help her to truly give the situation to God. At this point, she would be well-thought-of by him, and over the years he would eventually come to her seeking for wisdom.

Remember Eve? She was the first wife after God created the whole world. Eve was swayed by the serpent and then badgered her husband into following her into the most regrettable decision of all time (Later, when God approached him, Adam blamed Eve for this terrible sin).

Eve’s mistake keeps me on my toes. Just because I think an idea is a good one or even the best choice, that doesn’t make it right. In fact, I must be very careful when I attempt to talk my husband into anything. I must pray about it and listen to his cautions when he warns me about the flaws of my argument instead of speaking constant disapproval of him and his opinions.

There are more ways than just words that can make a husband feel like his wife is incessantly quarreling: her body language, sighs, sadness, depression from unanswered prayers, spurts of over-irritation or anger. The fight in her still comes out even when she isn’t vocalizing it.

Restraining her is like restraining the wind.

One of the last visits I had at my mother’s home was when we headed to the beach on a cold February’s day. I love the ocean and wanted to soak in every moment I could of white sea gulls, salty air and sand between my toes. But, no matter which way we turned our faces were slapped by the harsh wind. We were miserable even in our feeble attempts to ward off the wind with warm coats and heavy scarves.

That cold wind can be likened to be the person who just keeps on coming back with arguments and scolding. Try to grasp something by hand that has oil on it; that is what it is like to try to restrain this woman. The endeavor is utterly hopeless.

Within a few years after I got married, my husband and I were living in a little, old home, and I had such grand ideas for the kitchen. I approached my husband who was weary from his hard working job and honestly didn’t want to have these conversations. But I kept at him. Within a few weeks something eerie began to happen. My phone (we had a landline with no caller ID at the time) would ring almost daily, and the voice on the other end was a disturbed strange man who spoke in a way that terrified me. I finally learned to take the phone off the hook for hours. For a few weeks, my husband was working extra jobs at night, and I was very alone and vulnerable (with two small children) during this time, and trembling with fear.

One of those nights, it dawned on me to pray to God about these disturbing calls. I prayed for safety and wisdom to know what to do. During those tearful moments my heart grew soft, and I began to have room in my head to think about the way I was treating my husband about my silly kitchen plans. A new thought came to me. Let the old plans go and work on sprucing up my kitchen on my own without bothering my sweet man.

Then another eerie thing happened; the phone calls stopped. That horrible man never called back again. And I went about my life more happy than before. I can’t explain what happened and why. All I know is that, today, after 41 years of marriage, I have never forgotten that lesson.

Father, help me to be a kindhearted, loving wife. Give me a sense of proper timing to bring up sensitive topics, and then give me sense to leave the conversation if it becomes dishonorable and disruptive in any way. Teach me what is most important in my marriage. Help me never to be known as a quarrelsome wife who drips like a leaky roof, but to show genuine self-restraint. Show me how to run to you in prayer when things are difficult, to allow my heart to be softened and to lean on you for my every need. In Jesus name, Amen.